Kelly O

Republicans I Have Fucked

Republicans I Have Fucked

The Nixon Supporter

The Trophy Wife

The Nazi

The Catholic Schoolgirl

The Military Men

The Tea Party Tranny

The Guy with a Condo in Bellevue

The Former Governor of Alaska

The Pastor from Renton

I Have Never Fucked a Republican

Fuck the Republican Party

The Republican Hypocrites Hall of Fame

TO BEGIN! This is how Seattle Pride works: On the very first day of June, gay people everywhere start quivering uncontrollably. Everything turns pink. Hairy guys start giving away beads on the sidewalk. Suddenly! Things start happening! Pride things! Proud mixers! Proud beer gardens! Proud kickoffs, proud marches, proud meetings, proud pancakes! Drag queens start throwing rubbers at you on the street! Dykes board their bikes! Every sentence ends in an exclamation point!

All this singularly queer madness crescendos to a dramatic pitch on the last Thursday in June (or "Ass Thursday"), when all gay hell breaks loose everywhere (but mostly on Capitol Hill). Then, way too early on Sunday morning, a veritable Roy G. Biv of parading gayness snakes its way through the throbbing heart of downtown to the very Seattle Center itself, whereupon thousands of queers shed a lot of clothes and conga dance in Seattle's grandest water fountain. This Pride format was struck by the Goddess Lesbosa at the dawn of time and is not to be meddled with.

We begin!

Thurs 6/24

recommended Pre-Pride Boat Party Set your course for adventure, your mind on a new bromance... it's The Stranger/Trouble Dicso's fabulous floating Sodom and Gomorrah! A floating pre-Pride kickoff that will surely bob into infamy. I'll be there. So will Dan Savage! So will you! With famous DJ Kim Ann Foxman, Ben Cook, and some mysterious sexbeast calling itself "Terry Trouble." Performances by the Dream Weavers! And the bar is cash-only, so PREPARE! (Plus, free naked Dan Savage back rubs!) The Islander Cruise, 1611 Fairview Ave E, thestranger.com/boatparty, boarding begins at 9:30 pm/boat sails at 10 pm, $15. Float away, ya fairy!

Retro Beach Social Break out that Frankie hair and Annette bikini! Get drunk good and early! Dance all night! Starts at 3 pm. Ends when you pass out. DJs Freddy King of Pants and Nark! Clothes check provided! (Dang!) A new thing! The Eagle, 314 E Pike St, 3 pm, $5/$4 if you're in swimwear! (Slut.)

PrideFeast EAT IT! Research confirms: Gay people are skinnier than breeders. It's possibly biological! You've got nothing to lose. You've got no excuse! La Spiga, Tidbit, Julia's, Table 219, Barrio, the Tin Table, and other fancy fooderies make deliciousness for you, give ensuing money to good gay causes. Hooray. (And yes, I'm so sorry I just used the word "fooderies.") Visit www.pridefeast.org for locations and more information.

Bend-It's Queer Carnival and Dance Party Another new thing! Hosted by F.U.S.S. (Femme Unity + Support Seattle), which sounds MILITANT. There is FREE FOOD! There shall indeed be three DJs throughout the day: Mel-O-Drama, Fistf*ck, and Gutter Glamour (from Portland!). There will be two kinds of booths: kissing and photo. There will be palm and tarot readings! I don't get it. You are encouraged to dress in carnival garb. Which is gay. So I guess that works out. Black Lodge, Eastlake and Republican, www.myspace.com/bend_it, 8 pm, free, all ages!

Bounce on This Pride New! This happens at Auto Battery and Po Dog. Which are both new places, so that makes sense. Featuring two of my favorite Seattle DJs, Dewey Decimal and Skiddle! Giveaways and alleged "prizes" all night. And by "prizes" they mean "blowjobs." Read between the lines, people! Auto Battery and Po Dog, 1009 E Union St, www.emersonsalon.com/bounce onthis, 8:30 pm, free.

The Boys of Summer Swimsuit Party Everyone goes to Neighbours and hopes someone else takes their clothes off. Proceeds benefit Gay City. Prizes for best swimsuits! By which they mean biggest package! Neighbours, 1509 Broadway, 324-5358, 9 pm, $3.

Fri6/25

recommended The Cuff Presents Chi Chi LaRue Well. That's pretty self-explanatory. The Cuff is always off the hook, every night of Pride. It is a dark and crawling gay universe held together by liquor and lust. It's shady and rather mazelike, with an enormous outside deck (and something called a "dog run"—let your imagination chew on that) from which mysterious green smoke signals are said to take flight. (What?) There are two bathrooms at the Cuff. One is quite unremarkable. The other did my friend Hollis some rather serious emotional damage. (He might never recover. I'm totally not kidding.) Best of luck. (Plus, Chi Chi LaRue!) The Cuff, 1533 13th Ave, 11 pm, $5.

The 4th Annual Hot Dog Blessing The most sacred consecration of the holy weenies! (So weird.) With Sylvia O'Stayformore! Free deep-fried Danger Dogs from Po Dog! (Did you hear me? FREE! Your arteries heard me.) A secret source has leaked Sylvia's planned benediction: "Oh, great one, bless my mouth that I may open wide and make my jaw loose that I might accept the bounty that is about to be presented to me." AMEN! The BottleNeck Lounge, 2328 Madison St, www.bottlenecklounge.com, 9 pm, free.

Fag Hag Bash I don't know what this is, but I effing love. the. name. DJs HomoNegro and Potatoes O'Brien. Prizes for Queen Hag and Queen Fag, apparently. The Capitol Club, 414 E Pine St, 325-2149, 10 pm, FREE! Bash that fag hag! BASH IT!

Julia's Gay Pride Block Party RuPaul's Drag Race stars! They're going to be there! (Shannel, Raven, and Morgan!) Live music from Smoking Bill, No Rey Band, and DJ Dana Dubb. Hosted by Sister Stella Standing. Proceeds benefit the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, Abby of St. Joan. JESUS CHRIST! Julia's on Broadway, 300 Broadway E, 860-1818, 2–10 pm, $5.

Kinetic: Official Seattle Pride Weekend Kickoff Party With DJ Brian Gorr and "guests and surprises." The Chapel Bar, 1600 Melrose Ave, www.kineticseattle.com, 10 pm, $18.

recommended Pride Kickoff Party at Pony Pony is the greatest little gay bar Seattle has or ever will have. Always a visual spectacle! No cover. Fabulous things. DJs Rude Dudes and Sexy Cousin. Pony, 1221 E Madison St, 324-2854, 5 pm, NEVER A COVER!

Rally: A Shift Pride Barbecue Rally, now? This "rally" is all about meat. Hamburgers! Hot dogs! (Holy carne!) "Bring a dish to share with your community." (Pushy!) "Games on the lawn." (For the Shift Peer Recovery Network.) Babe! Where's Babe!? Multifaith Works, 123 16th Ave, www.shiftrecovery.org, 6–9 pm, free.

recommended Prom-Dress Rugby Exhibition Match Soccer is damn sexy, but not half as sexy as rugby. (You heard me.) This, another "First Annual" thing, happens at the Bobby Morris Playfield in Cal Anderson Park. Rugby played in prom dresses! Jesus. Proceeds from the event will be split with Lambert House. Cal Anderson Park, 1635 11th Ave, www.quakerugby.org, 7–10 pm, $5, all ages.

2010 Pride Shabbat You're Jewish and gay, right? Are you single? Call me. Temple De Hirsch Sinai, 1511 E Pike St, 323-8486, 7 pm.

Seattle Men's Chorus and Seattle Women's Chorus Present Glitter and Be Gay La, la, la, la, la! Fags. Leonard Bernstein, Stephen Sondheim, West Side Story, blah blah blah, 400 queers singing their little gay hearts out. I said it, I meant it: LALALALA! McCaw Hall, 321 Mercer St, 388-1400, 8 pm, $35–$48, all ages.

Bend-It Extravaganza For queer youth! A whole mess of stuff going on. All ages! In Cal Anderson Park! Come! Explore! BE QUEER YOUTH! Cal Anderson Park, 1635 11th Ave, www.myspace.com/bend_it, 3 pm, free, all ages.

recommended Comeback Queer Pride Xtravaganza The monthly staple, going off at Pride levels. With the House of Aviance (from Noo Yawk!), DJ Nita Aviance, Erickatoure Aviance, One-Half Nelson, Richard Kennedy dancing his tight little fanny off (JUNGLE FEEVER!), and DJs Colby B and Porq manning the decks. "Last Fridays have never been sweatier!" Chop Suey, 1325 E Madison St, www.chopsuey.com, 9 pm, $8 until 11 pm/$10 after.

recommended Discotheque "The more fucked-up you look, the cheaper the door." Smashing! (Plus, Re-bar is world-famous for its disco.) DJs L.A. Kendall, NARK and Skiddle, and Julia. Re-bar, 1114 Howell St, www.rebarseattle.com, 9 pm, $5–$10.

recommended Wildrose Pride 2010 Her 25th year! A traditional lesbo-ganza of pride! DJ Mathematix, Seattle's (and quite possibly the entire planet's) most prolific and popular FTM trans DJ! Plus Jodi Bon Jodi, Lady Jane, and the ever-beloved MC Frat Boy. Show your Storm ticket for $2 off, dyke! Wildrose, 1021 E Pike St, 324-9210, 6 pm–2 am, $10.

Girl4Girl Gay Pride Party Sexy Girl4Girl go-gos, burlesque star Fuchsia FoXXX, 3,000-square-foot dance floor, four bars, DJ Stacey. Open to men and women. More info at www.girl4girl seattle.com. Cirque Event Center, 131 Taylor Ave, 748-9975, 9 pm, $12/$22 VIP.

Obvi: Gemini Events Pride Party 2010 Go-go dancers, Aden & Jordan Jaric, DJ Dinero. Pravada Studios, 1406 10th Ave, Suite 200, www.gemini events.com, 9 pm, $10.

Brut at the Eagle With music from DJ Mr. Smith from 9 pm–1:30 am, and a big gay hiphop afterparty with Nark (photographer and scene king Kevin Kauer, one of the primary driving forces of gay Seattle nightlife) from 1:30 am–4 am! The Eagle, 314 E Pike St, 621-7591, 9 pm.

Lily Armani Untucked It's going to be wall-to-wall sweating faggotry, no matter what I say. Neighbours, 1509 Broadway, 324-5358, $10, 7:30 pm.

Sat 6/26

recommended Capitol Hill Pride Festival Five blocks of hardcore gayness. This is, um, all ages. (Beware the dancing scarf fairy's peek-a-boo penis, children!) Live entertainment, music, face/body painting, and a Doggie Drag Costume Contest for Christ's sake. Broadway, between E John and E Roy streets, www.capitolhillpridefestival.net, 10 am–10 pm, free, all ages.

22nd Annual Pride Pancake Breakfast Proceeds go to Multifaith Works, Bailey-Boushay House, and Dignity/Seattle. Raffle prizes. And pancakes. Praise Jesus. (What is it with Jesus worshipers and pancakes? Sweet Gaia, I ask you.) Central Lutheran Church Social Hall, 1710 11th Ave, www.dignityseattle.org, 8 am–noon, $7 donation, all ages.

Hey Tranny, It's Tranny! New! Live sets and performances, indoors, outdoors... Jesus. In a parking lot! The Havana Social Club and Parking Lot! Four bars. Go-go-boy-laden Champagne Room! Live performance by Your Queen of Filth, Jackie HELL! And Ade! And Ben DeLaCreme! And the astonishing Stella Rose St. Claire! A sure bet! Havana, 1010 E Pike St, 8 pm, $15.

Cherry Lesbians and their freaky fabulous friends. A Seattle staple! With DJ Amateur Youth, DJ Mathematix. Re-Bar, 1114 Howell St, www.rebarseattle.com, 10 pm, $5 before 11 pm/$7 after.

recommended Wildrose Beer Garden Hosted by Ade and Jackie Hell! Live performances by Luxury A.K. and Fresh Espresso, and MORE! Always off the losbo-hizzle. Wildrose, 1021 E Pike St, 324-9210, 1 pm–2 am, $15.

Julia's Gay Pride Block Party MORE nuns? Jesus Christ! (See Friday.) Julia's on Broadway, 300 Broadway E, 860-1818, 10 am–10 pm, $5, all ages.

Seattle Men's Chorus and Seattle Women's Chorus Present Glitter and Be Gay! More la-la-la-la-la-ing. Fags. (See Friday.) McCaw Hall, 321 Mercer St, 388-1400, 8 pm, $35–$48, all ages.

recommended Pride Weekend at Pony Outdoor beer garden, afternoon live music mini-fest with May Ling, Wampire, with Dee Jay Jack, and more! Pony, 1221 E Madison St, 324-2854, noon–2 am, free.

Bend-It's Big Gay Field Day Another new thing for queer youth! Kiddy pool! Rubber ducky race! Variety show! All ages! I don't get it. Cal Anderson Park, 1635 11th Ave, free, all ages.

Liberate: A Shift Pride Party For those in recovery, whose new drug of choice is DANCE! Century Ballroom's West Hall, 915 E Pine St, www.shiftrecovery.org, 9 pm–12:30 am.

12th Annual Rainbow Health Fair Huh? Is this list exhaustive or what? Call to make an appointment. Drop-ins are welcome. Gilda's Club, 1400 Broadway, 436-8666, 10 am–3 pm, free.

Interfaith Pride Worship Service With presentations made by members of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim communities. And the Wiccans? Where are all the damn Wiccans, I ask you. All Pilgrims Church, 500 Broadway E, www.mccseattle.org, 2 pm, free, all ages.

recommended Seattle Dyke March & Rally Don't miss this! It makes my heart so happy. So happy. At the rally: MC Lamar Van Dyke, Alicia Healy, Giant Ass Drum Corps, Seattle's Queer Tango Dancers, 7 Star Women's Kung Fu, and so forth. Seattle Central Community College Plaza, Broadway and Pine St, www.seattledykemarch.com, rally at 5 pm/march at 7 pm, free, all ages.

Voices Rising Part of a fagbulous ongoing series of performances by LGBTQ performers of color. Richard Hugo House, 1634 11th Ave, www.voicesrisingseattle.org, 7:30 pm, $10–$25 sliding scale.

Red: The Hottest Men's Party of Pride! With music from DJ Phil B. Neumos, 925 E Pike St, www.neumos.com, 9 pm–5 am, $21 adv/$25 DOS.

Country Pride Dance Learn line dancing! Um, what? Center House at Seattle Center, www.raincountrydance.com, 6–9 pm, free, all ages.

Club Vogue Goth-Industrial Dance Night Featuring Seattle's premier Gorelesque Troupe, the Gore Gore Girls! Neighbours Underground, 1509 Broadway E, www.neighboursnightclub.com, 9 pm–3 am, $8.

Purr Block Party The entire block! Partying! Featuring L.A. DJs the Perry Twins. Purr, 1518 11th Ave, www.purrseattle.com, 2 pm–2 am, $12.

2010 Pride Weekend at the Cuff This is going to be a fucking zoo. On so many levels. With guest DJ Kimberly S, featuring DJ Harmonix. The Cuff, 1533 13th Ave, 323-1525, 9 pm.

Hot Flash Dance Party For lesbians of a certain age. (Like, old enough to get in.) With the Gore Gore Girls, DJ Stacey and DJ Wildfire at Neighbors and HG Lodge. Neighbours, 1509 Broadway/HG Lodge, 722 E Pike St, www.hotflashdances.com, 6–10 pm, $10.

Underwear Party/ Play House Till 4 am! There's DJ Dana Dub. And don't forget: A clothes check! The Eagle, 314 E Pine St, 9 pm–4 am, $5.

Sun 6/27

Seattle Pride Parade This is it, people. On this very special Sunday every year—we come! Thousands of us! Fags! Dykes! Trannies! Sympathizers! We brave hangovers and traffic and flip-flops and the misunderstanding of centuries. We wear silly hair and colored beads. We come from all over... and we MARCH! Seattle Pride is one of the largest Pride events in the country. FEAR THE POWER OF THE PRIDE! (This year's theme: Over the Rainbow. You said it, lady.) Begins at Westlake Park (400 Pine St) at 11 am and travels down Fourth Ave to PrideFest at the Seattle Center, www.seattlepride.org, free, all ages.

recommended Seattle PrideFest 2010 PrideFest at Seattle Center rocks my gay socks off—hundreds of beautiful gay people in various states of undress cavorting in bacchanalian ecstasy in Seattle Center's giant musical water fountain! This is what Pride was born to be. With headliner Kimberley Locke and comic Julie Goldman and your sexy wet fountain dancing needs taken care of by L.A. Kendall and the kids from Hard Times. Seattle Center, 305 Harrison St, full schedule at www.seattlepridefest .org, 11 am–7 pm, free, all ages.

recommended World's Tiniest Teadance Pride edition! Funnest thing on earth! Performances by Ade! DJ El Toro! Pony, 1221 E Madison St, noon–2 am, free.

Momo Pride Street Party The official PrideFest afterparty with DJ Lee Decker of San Francisco, Kimberley Locke, and DJ Rob Hall. Plus, free shuttle! Buses will take you from PrideFest at Seattle Center to Neumos (10th and Pike) for this party. 4–9 pm on the street, 8 pm until close inside. Neumos, 925 E Pike St, www.neumos.com, 4 pm, $5.

'Hedwig and the Angry Inch' Dang. A benefit for the Human Rights Campaign. Club Motor, 1950 First Ave, 623-3230, 7 pm, $16 adv/$20 DOS, all ages.

Wildrose Pride 2010 Sumo wrestling! Naked ice lady shots! Beer pong! Butch contest! Benefiting KEXP and Fight the Fear Campaign. DJ Tina T, L.A. Kendall, Ricky Leigh, Colby B, Tony Burns, and Judical. Wildrose, 1021 E Pike St, 324-9210, 1 pm–midnight, by donation.

Bend-It's Spoken Word and Acoustic Show How many queer youth are there? Featuring Heart Behavior, Shanay Salas, Henry Luke, and more. Richard Hugo House, 1634 11th Ave, 322-7030, 7 pm, free, all ages.

Gay Pride Celebration at the Funhouse Doors open early at noon, music starts at 2 pm. Music by Reporter, Stickers, and Secret Shoppers. DJs include DJ Amateur Youth, Jodi Bon Jovi, and Tommy Taco. The Funhouse, 206 Fifth Ave N, 374-8400, noon, $7.

Post Pride Parade Party At the 5 Point? Okay. At the 5 Point. (Check out the famous statue of Chief Seattle out front. Will someone PLEASE get that man a cab?) The 5 Point, 415 Cedar St, 448-9993, noon, free.

Pride Party at Purr No cover all day with music by DJ Derek. Brunch from 10 am–2 pm. Purr, 1518 11th Ave, www.purrseattle.com, 10 am, free.

Pride Closing Party: Queersucker at Havana! Sean Cee hiphop meets Nark disco. "Super, super fun!" Havana, 1010 E Pike St, www.havanasocial.com, 9 pm–2 am free.

recommended 2010 Cuff Pride Day Street Party This is the big one. Frenchie Davis, Chi Chi LaRue. Beer everywhere, perversion assured. Priiiiiide! The Cuff, 1533 13th Ave, 323-1525, noon–8 pm.

Other Homo Bars

The ones that haven't announced any special Pride events.

The Crescent

Always packed at Pride, of course. Fully expect lots of skinny jeans and PBR chugging, some hardcore regulars outside smoking what's left of their lungs out, and to have your nervous system shattered by delightfully dreadful karaoke. It stinks! It's a dive! It's all so hipply ironic! It's fabulous. 1413 E Olive Way. Happy hour is noon–6:30 pm and 8:30–10:30 pm, daily. No phone. No website. No turning back.

R Place Pride Beer Garden

R Place was the first gay bar I ever visited in Seattle—me, drinking Zima, with a blond wedge in my hair. Picture it. (I love that story.) During Pride, R Place explodes. Its three stories are insufficient to contain the mad gay frenzy that erupts here, so the party spills over into the street. Then they circle a big chain-link fence around the spot, install a DJ, and call it a beer garden. 619 E Pine St, 322-8828, always a cover.

The Elite

At its old Broadway location, the Elite was the Oldest Gay Bar on Capitol Hill—originally a speakeasy! Over the decades, it grew to be a hideous festering hooker-covered herpe on the butt of gayness. But at its new location on Olive Way? Well! How fresh! How new! So very much improved. The motto is "Come with friends, leave with strangers" or something like that—sounds like an interesting way to spend the evening to me. Pool tables, tacky fake fireplace, drink specials. 1510 E Olive Way, 838-9487, www.theeliteseattle.com, never a cover! NEVER!

Madison Pub

Always packed, always an adventure. Pool, pinball, lots of guys who moved here from Montana and Idaho. 1315 E Madison St, 325-6537, www.madisonpub.com.

Changes

Long happy hours, a serious menu (prime rib!?), karaoke, pride coming out the yin-yang All. Week. Long. Out in Wallingford. No cover. 2104 N 45th St, 545-8363, www.changesinwallingford.com.

The Lobby

NEW! If the cologne don't getcha, the fauxhawks surely will. Fancy-schmancy handcrafted cocktails! Meticulous eyebrows and maxed-out Visa cards! 916 E Pike St, 328-6703, www.thelobbyseattle.com.

CC Attles

Uberpopular neighborhood food-n-booze type place. Lotsa Daddies and the occasional kinky hipster. No need for special Pride events, the place craps rainbows 365 days a year. 1501 E Madison St, www.ccattles.net, 323-4017.

Get Dirty

Sex clubs and such. Wear a condom!

Steamworks Seattle

Caution! Free-Range Sausage Zone! Showers, private rooms, deep indiscretion, delicious damnation lurking in every shadow. They aren't doing anything special for Pride, because wouldn't that be overkill? (Please note! I've never been to this place! Shut UP!) Oh! And there is something called an "Xtreme Room" for $42, but Jesus, I'm not touching that mess. 1520 Summit Ave, 329-2334, www.steamworksonline.com/Seattle/Seattle.html, open 24/7.

Basic Plumbing

Knobs will be gobbled! BP is a sex club for men, and it's rather awesome, actually. (Your mom told me.) At Pride, the place will be busting with out-of-towners and locals hunting out-of-towners. Rooms and lockers, prices vary depending, shadows, semen, and secrets. 1505 10th Ave, 323-2799, www.bpseattle.com, open 24/7.

Club Z

Holy proctologist! This is where Hairy met Grandpa. It's an older, rougher scene. It's a hardcore 43-ish-year-old sex club in a 105-ish-year-old building. Fur and fisting, Levis and leather—slather yourself in Nonoxynol-9 and the sweet love of Jesus and hope for the best. It's a Wi-Fi hotspot! 1117 Pike St, 622-9958, www.thez club.com, open 24/7.

Volunteer Park

The shrubs are quivering with lust, night and day. 14th Ave E and E Prospect St.

Arboretum

Naughty people wander around here and do durty stuff. I'm just saying. Wear shoes—you can get muddy. Also, knee pads. (Slut.) 2300 Arboretum Dr E, take bus #49. Ahem.