Heather Trimm
Friday 12/24

CHRISTMAS HAM!

And so this is Xmess. And what have you done? Hmm? (Another year older, and you've danced every dance, porked every pickle, and sparkled like Liberace's jewel-studded swimming pool, that's what the heck you've done. WORD.) And now is the time for we jolly wee 'mos to rejoice in the steaming multitudes of our own fine yuletidey traditions. Mistletoe belt buckles, for example. Beefcake greeting cards. Martha Stewart fucking Christmas fucking everything! Crying alone, with whiskey. (It gets better!) And, of course, camp, wit, snarky charm, and naughty lyrics blasphemously substituted for the regular lyrics of dearly beloved old-timey holiday carols. (Example: "On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: ANAL PLEASURE!" I'm paraphrasing.) This brings us to one of the finest and older-than-Jeebus-iest gay holiday traditions of them all: Ham for the Holidays, featuring the jolly Christmas wonders of Peggy Platt and Lisa Koch. They are Seattle comedy legendesses, you know—going on 21 years! (Of Peggy I have said, "[She] could roll out covered in vomit and slap me, and I'd still love her," and I can give no higher praise.) Expect delightful explosions of naughty sketch comedy, music, and hilarious gay mania. (P.S.: Don't wait up for Santa tonight. You're NAUGHTY!) Theater Off Jackson, 7:30 pm, $15, all ages.

Saturday 12/25

HO, HO, AND SO FORTH

Ooooh! It's really Xmess! The Celts favorite brouhaha since even way before old Flavius Josephus cobbled the baby Jeebus together from a holy heaping pile of ancient Hebrew prognostications and even ancienter pagan hullabaloo. (All true! Look it up! It's science!) I suggest nothing more tonight than basking in the warm glow of the lovely people you love—just stay in and be Xmessy, for X's sake! From this point forward, it's all about New Year's Eve anyway... Gramma's house, free, all ages.

adrian@thestranger.com