Michael Doucett
FRIDAY 2/11

LEZBRO ME, BRO

Welcome, friends. OH HOW I HATE GODDAMNMOTHERFUCKING VALENTINE'S DAY! I'd rather eat a can of RAID. Every wee stupid inch of it makes my pickled little brains just PUKE. Preferred holiday of date rapists and chocolate-covered LIES! Such foolishness. I will have no truck with it! (NO TRUCK!) So certainly don't anybody be taking me to dinner and buying me stupid chocolates crammed with revolting goop that tastes like perfumey granny panties. And don't be trying to suck all over my penis or what-have-you, either, because NO MEANS NO! (Or does it? It's getting confusing out there.) And so tonight we should all dance and maybe drink (HA!) and spin all thoughts of impending V-Day doom from our minds to the sexy spinnings of the DJ L.A. Kendall herself and DJ Tony Burns at Lezbro, a gender-blending event for boys, girls, and whatever's in between. With special guest "DJ to the (Porn) Stars" Sammy LaForge! And remember: Just because you're passed out doesn't mean you don't want it. (Or does it?) Wildrose, 9 pm, $3, 21+.

SATURDAY 2/12

MY FUNNY VALENTINE!

If I could love like a real boy, I'd be in love with Sarah Rudinoff. (As it is, I love Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir.) I've made no secret of this. (Hi, Johnny! Call me back, God damn you!) Next in line, of course, would be Nick Garrison, and BOTH of them (BOTH!) will be singing, sometimes together, Broadway-ish songs of love in this sparkling, love-stuffed, do-not-miss thing! (The divine Lady Rudinoff tells me, "Nick and I are singing two duets, 'You're Just in Love' from Call Me Madam, an Ethel Merman duet; and 'Let's Call the Whole Thing Off'... and I will be doing 'I Can Cook, Too' from On the Town!" Thrill!) Also featuring a breath-stealing lineup of 5th Avenue talents: Shelly Burch, Kirsten Helland, Brandon O'Neill—and, from Broadway itself (the GOOD, blinky NYC Broadway where the theaters live, not that scraggly little piece of construction zone slicing through Capitol Hill), Mimi Hines from Funny Girland Kim Huber from Beauty and the Beast! (She wasn't the Beast.) Plus a 30-piece orchestra!Jesus. Miss this, and your heart might as well stop beating. 5th Avenue Theatre, 8 pm, $30–$83, all ages.