kevin kauer/nark magazine


Hellomosexuals! Let's discuss this: that scary old campfire story about the infamous "Seattle chill" or "Seattle frost" or whatever. You've heard of it! Don't lie! The idea that "Seattle-is-tight-assed-and-people-stand-around-not-talking-and-are-impossible-to-get-to-know," also expressed as "OMG! I just got back from San Francisco/New York City/wherever and EVERYONE was SO NICE and PEOPLE were so SUPER FUN and THERE WERE BLOWJOBS ON THE DANCE FLOOR (!!!) and I'M FUCKING MOVING!"

Well, hell. Our nightlife can seem a little prissy-sissy sometimes when scrutinized against the biggest burgs, particularly vis-à-vis the amount of spontaneous dance-floor fellatio. It cannot be denied! I've isolated three factors: (1) all the goddamn goobers who move here from Idaho (FUCK YOU, Idaho goobers!), (2) the draconian business-as-usual (circa 1642) grip of the ridiculously puritanical liquor control board, and (3) our foolish tolerance of said board's grip.

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An example: the doomed woman dancing topless at the Cuff recently—surrounded, confronted, and evicted (!) by security for her innocent bare-boobiness, even as obviously bigger-bare-boobied DUDES danced shirtlessly unmolested around her. "We just want to keep our license," Cuff's security tells me. He knows it's all bullshit. We all do. And the greatest antidote—our best hope! (besides nuking Idaho!)—rests in the ample bosom of gay clubland revolutionaries like Lisa Dank and DJ Nark, two premier liberators in the battle for properly naughty partying.

The Dank is a darling and she is the lusty, flirty, and hair-flippin' Queen of the Chronic—a blooming pop princess, stoned out of her mind. She's got boobs made of even bigger boobs, and she's known as Seattle's "DIY" pop star. She's popping up everywhere lately (the damn Weekly, Seattle magazine, and C89, where she roosts). She and DJ Nark (Kevin Kauer, of whom you've heard, unless you live in a glitterless ditch) have combined their unhinged creative spirits into a live glitterpop performance, and they're taking it on the road. It's the DARK (Dank + Nark—GET IT?!) Tour! They've booked shows from San Francisco to Vegas, and tonight it all begins. Go! Get your homosexy on. Glory in the boobs. Fight the power of the prude! Comet Tavern, 9 pm, $7, 21+.

This trumpkin is scary enough. Please vote.
Then score some dank herb from Ruckus to help with the stress.