BRUSH ONE OFF!

Um... okeedokee. Well. Sheesh. See, here's the thing (and forgive me, for I must be frank): TWO (yes, TWO!) überfabulous things are happening tonight—the most important things all week—and if you aren't proficient in the fine art of bilocation, you're faced with some seriously hard choices (and hard hardness). We begin with SEX! But not just any old sex. SEXY SEXY SEX SEX! You heard me. We are first faced with a heaping heap of throbbing musical manlust (plus talent!) as the unquestionably gorgeous—and possibly way more unquestionably gayest—gay Seattle bands that have ever banded play together, back to back! (As it were. Sounds dirty, right?) Starring Noddy (with the heartthrobby Jared Mills and Reese Umbaugh—SUPER HOT!) and Secret Shoppers (featuring the astonishingly beautiful Evan Rodd and Garrett Vance—SUPER HOT CUBED!). Hotter than Satan's bicycle seat! Gayer than a clown farm in a kitten bush! Sadly, this do-not-miss event is NOT clothing optional (officially). Wildrose, 9 pm, $5, 21+.

SO MUCH TROUBLE

And then! Oh, ladypants. This is the big one. The whole Gay Pride THING really starts HERE, tonight, with the Trouble Pre-Pride Bouncy Ball! (Ooooh!) Last year? It all went down on a boat. People danced! Drank! Floated! Puked! Got LAID! (I've heard rumors than one or more people actually vanished... I'll say no more.) And this year? Better. On land, and dripping in serious gay celebrity. Some of the most famous 'mos in the country will be in attendance, including RuPaul's Drag Race superstar Raja! Dan "IGBP" DTMFA Savage, who will give advice to you for monies! DJ Sammy Jo (of Scissor Sisters fame) will make you dance, plus resident DJ Fucking in the Streets (who isn't strictly a 'mo, but we can wish, right?) who will also make you dance! There will be a giant bouncy castle, wall-to-wall beautiful people, outrageous spectacle, and Vockah Redu and the Cru—paragons of sissy bounce—come all the way from New Orleans to sissy bounce for you. If you miss it, forget it. No Pride for YOU! (What are you waiting for? Make your choice!) FRED Wildlife Refuge, 9 pm, $5, 21+.