FRIDAY 8/5

BEEFCAKE

Okay. SETTLE DOWN now, y'all. We have to talk. I just caught wind of the most terrible rumor ever, and it really freaked my freaking freak out. (Yes, my freaking freak. It's that serious, gay people.) Why? Because it's a terrible, absurd, way-too-disturbing-to-be-true thing, and I heard it from two almost completely unrelated sources on the VERY SAME AFTERNOON: (a) via the purdy mouth of a credible source, and (b) from someone else entirely. Perhaps you've heard this terrible thing yourself, I figure, and are at this very moment quivering in a dank basement somewhere, pulling your hair, weeping like a tortured tween. And I understand completely: Were it true, we might as well just burn Seattle to the ground, nuke the fucking ashes, and take a gigantic crap in the smoking crater. (Yes, THAT SERIOUS.) It is:

PONY IS CLOSING. COMPLAINY NEIGHBORS OR SOMETHING.

Oh! Em! GEEEEEzzzuzz! Stop panicking, ladypants, please. (You're embarrassing us both.) REST ASSURED! It's nothing but a pack of filthy LIES. Everyone involved in Pony in any way whatsoever has SCOFFED and/or POOH-POOHED, and/or vehemently DENIED this heinous lie en masse, so, you know, whew. Sunny days! Obamacare! True lurve! Gigantic donkey dicks! It isn't happening!

But this is nothing if not a wake-up call. Perhaps we all need to lurve our Pony a little more, every single day. (It is the Best Gay Bar in the City Ever™, after all—and we've lost it once before.) And I confess: I'm the worst. Example? I've never (never!) expressed any appreciation for Pony's every-first-Friday thing called BEEFCAKE—a sexy tribute to retro gay art and music that celebrates the monthly release of Seattle Male Pictorial. The night features DJ Jack and King of Pants, and if you haven't been to one yet, please! We dodged the rumor bullet this time. Tomorrow is promised to no fag. (Also, stop spreading evil bullshit, liars!) Pony, 9 pm, free, 21+.

SATURDAY 8/6

BACON STRIP

It's impossible to mention another fucking Bacon Strip, because it reminds me that "summer" is flying by and I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT. (FUCK YOU, weather!) So. "Saturday Night Beaver" is the theme. Re-bar, 10 pm, $10, 21+.