OH, SURE, NOW everybody is a political junkie.

The surreal aftermath of the race for the White House--from pregnant chads to Republican Rent-a-Protesters--has proven to be so compelling that absolutely everyone is glued to CNN these days, following every twist and turn in this batshit-crazy election. The very same people who couldn't tell you who the presidential candidates were three months ago are now holding forth on the future of the Electoral College, the impartiality of Florida's Supreme Court, and the odds that this election will be decided in the House of Representatives.

But some of us were paying attention to the race all along--not just when it got interesting! So how can true political junkies go on feeling smug and superior when everyone else is suddenly so hyper-informed? By entering The Stranger's "Race for the White House 2000" quiz! Our quiz does not have questions about anything--NOTHING!--that happened after November 7. If you can answer 10 or more of these questions correctly, you're a good citizen. If you can answer 15 or more correctly, you're an informed voter. If you can answer all 20 questions correctly, you're a gold-plated political junkie.

Send your completed quiz to Presidential Quiz, c/o The Stranger, 1535 11th Avenue, Third Floor, Seattle, WA 98122. Entries from political junkies who can answer more than 17 questions correctly will be thrown into a recycling bin. One entry will be pulled at random, and that person will win the first (and only) prize: A bottle of Jack Daniel's and a lunch date with Dan Savage, David Schmader, Josh Feit, and Stranger publisher Tim Keck. Consider it your reward for being an informed citizen. Good luck!

1. What was Al Gore's position on Elian Gonzalez?
(a) Elian should stay.
(b) Elian should go.
(c) Waffle, waffle, waffle.
(d) Elian should be forced to star in a series of Latin Explosion!-style Home Alone movies.

2. Who voted to confirm the Supreme Court appointment of Justice Clarence Thomas?
(a) Al Gore.
(b) George W. Bush.
(c) Bill Bradley.
(d) "Long Dong" Silver.

3. Why can't John McCain do jumping jacks?
(a) He's lazy.
(b) He's Amish.
(c) George W. Bush told him not to.
(d) He was tortured by "gooks" (as the straight-talking pol called his captors in an on-the-record interview when he was a prisoner of war in 'Nam.

4. George W. Bush was arrested in a certain state in 1976, and went on to win that same state's Republican presidential primary in 2000. Name the state.
(a) Maine.
(b) Ohio.
(c) Washington state.
(d) A drunken state.

5. How many inmates were executed this year in the state of Texas?
(a) 3,800.
(b) 380.
(c) 38.
(d) 3.8.

6. Who was George W. Bush's top campaign contributor?
(a) Mothers For Drunk Driving (MFDD).
(b) The Fry Mumia! Foundation.
(c) Actor James Spader.
(d) MBNA America Bank.

7. Dick Cheney's daughter Mary is...
(a) the rug-munching spawn of Sappho.
(b) a uterine-chewing lady of Lesbos.
(c) a gash-mashing ovary hound.
(d) her father's frequent fly-fishing companion.

8. Al Gore's daughter Karenna is...
(a) a hottie.
(b) a fuckin' hottie.
(c) not as hot as she was in '96.
(d) her father's most trusted adviser.

9. George W. Bush's twin daughters...
(a) are not as hot as the Gore girls.
(b) made their film debut in The Shining.
(c) share a liver and a spleen.
(d) are the reasons Bush cited for covering up his drunk-driving conviction.

10. Which was NOT a catch phrase used by George W. Bush?
(a) "The soft racism of low expectations."
(b) "Reformer with results!"
(c) "Compassionate conservativision."
(d) "Dumb--like you!"

11. Choose the correct roster of Democratic primary candidates.
(a) Al Gore, Bill Bradley.
(b) Bill Bradley, Al Gore.
(c) Al Bradley, Bill Gore.
(d) Bardley Gore, La Bill.

12. Choose the correct roster of Republican primary candidates.
(a) Gary Bauer, Pat Buchanan, George W.Bush, Bob Dole, Steve Forbes, Orrin Hatch, Alan Keyes, George McGovern, John McCain, Colin Powell, Dan Quayle.
(b) Gary Bauer, Pat Buchanan, George W. Bush, Bob Dole, Steve Forbes, Orrin Hatch, Alan Keyes, John McCain, Dan Quayle, Elizabeth Dole, John Kasich.
(c) Gary Bauer, Pat Buchanan, George W. Bush, Bob Dole, Steve Forbes, Orrin Hatch, Alan Keyes, John McCain, Dan Quayle, Trent Lott, Jack Kemp.
(d) Gary Bauer, Steve McQueen, Tom DeLay, John Thomas, Butterfly McQueen, Gary Busey, Spiderman, Pokémon, Steve Guttenberg, Christine Todd Whitman, Al D'Amato.

13. What phrase was chanted when Tipper Gore took the stage at this year's Democratic National Convention?
(a) "Tipper ROCKS!"
(b) "Now we know why Al is stiff!"
(c) "Take it off!"
(d) "Tip, Tip, Tip!"

14. Draw a line connecting the candidate with his alleged drug of choice.
(a) George W. Bush Agent Orange
(b) Al Gore homosexual saliva
(c) John McCain cocaine
(d) Gary Bauer marijuana

15. Which minor conservative candidate body-surfed over a crowd of hipsters the day before the Iowa caucuses?
(a) Orrin Hatch.
(b) Dan Quayle.
(c) Alan Keyes.
(d) Steve Forbes.

16. At the Republican National Convention, delegates from Texas bowed their heads when Rep. Jim Kolbe (R-AZ) took the stage because...
(a) Kolbe is a cock-smoking son of Sodom.
(b) Kolbe is a fudge-packing friend of fisting.
(c) Kolbe is a cum-guzzling glory-hole hobbit.
(d) All of the above.

17. Ralph Nader's personal wealth is estimated at what amount?
(a) $30,000.
(b) $4,000,000.
(c) $20,000,000.
(d) An old Dodge Dart and a case of Ex-Lax.

18. Who is this?
(a) George Bush.
(b) The Addams Family's Lurch.
(c) Elian Gonzalez's uncle.
(d) Ricky Martin's "personal trainer."

19. What celeb DIDN'T appear at the Democratic National Convention?
(a) Tommy Lee Jones.
(b) Jimmy Smits.
(c) Barbra Streisand.
(d) Gallagher.

20. What is Joseph Lieberman's wife's name?
(a) Hadassah.
(b) Diaspora.
(c) Kalakala.
(d) Tammy.