The year that was Stranger calendar year 2002 was, now that all merits can be totaled, a rather soul-crushing affair. Put another way, The Stranger newspaper, edited by Mr. Dan Savage, strived toward and achieved remarkable new lows. This in itself is no mean feat, for The Stranger has always put much effort toward stationing itself near the sewers of culture, routinely eager to offend rather than inform, shock rather than entertain. That the paper is still allowed to publish--not to mention be freely distributed throughout the city--certainly pinpoints a rather gaping flaw in the American social construct, and one hopes said flaw will somehow find itself corrected in the coming year. But for now, The Stranger is still permitted to infest the city of Seattle each and every week, corrupting impressionable children and offending responsible adults. What follows is The Stranger Year 2002 A Critical Overview, beginning with: Vol. 11, No. 16 (Jan 3-9), when the year 2002 embarked on a surprisingly solid start for The Stranger, as this first issue of the year featured both a well-written, explorative article by Kathleen Wilson on her struggle to achieve sobriety, as well as an extensive interview with then outgoing Seattle Mayor Paul Schell conducted by The Stranger's news staff. Such competence would not carry over to Vol. 11, No. 17 (Jan 10-16), however, which saw The Stranger returned to its expected modus juvenilia beginning on page six with the ballot for its annual "Seattle's Sexiest People Poll." Elsewhere in the issue: an insipid feature article on a pink house, labeled the "gayest house in Seattle." I fail to see the point of speculating about the sexual orientation of a detached, single-family dwelling. Vol. 11, No. 18 (Jan 17-23) saw Dan Savage hand over the editorial reins to film editor Sean Nelson for what was intended to be an extensive exploration of corporate culture (under the title "Yes Logo'), but which (not surprisingly) resulted in little more than 96 pages of dunderheaded bluster, as Mr. Nelson, along with fellow "journalists" Pat Kearney, Josh Feit, and Bradley Steinbacher, fumbled through various articles that did little more than showcase their profound lack of both insight and research skills. In the coming year, incompetence would be a recurring theme for Nelson, Feit, and Steinbacher (as we shall see), but not for Pat Kearney (at least in print form, anyway), as he would leave the paper some months later. It is a pity that Mr. Kearney's departure was not followed soon thereafter by the departures of Messrs. Nelson, Feit, Steinbacher, and Savage. Vol. 11, No. 19 (Jan 24-30) featured a pair of rusting cars and a muddy lake on its cover, one of at least seven different covers to feature this theme in 2002. Why is The Stranger obsessed with rusting metal? In the issue itself: very little of note, aside from a 725-word article on the monorail, the first of hundreds to appear in the ensuing months. Vol. 11, No. 20 (Jan 31-Feb 6) featured an error on its very cover, as the issue's volume and number were listed as "Vol. 10, No. 20." Inside its pages was a childish rant by Hannah Levin about the joys of poverty, along with another monorail article (#2), an anti-Teen Dance Ordinance essay (#353, presumably), and the first of many childish slaps at The Stranger's chief (and vastly superior) competitor, the Seattle Weekly. Vol. 11., No. 21 (Feb 7-13) brought the results of The Stranger's Seattle's Sexiest People Poll. With two separate covers--one male, one female--the issue contained countless lurid photographs (featuring subjects who did not all appear to be of consenting age), as well as hundreds of printed valentines from Stranger readers--just one of many cheap ploys the paper's editors would turn to throughout the year in an attempt to garner interest in their publication. There was very little of interest in Vol. 11, No. 22 (Feb 14-20) (save for the first installment of my own column, A Critical Overview), and in Vol. 11, No. 23 (Feb 21-27), The Stranger provided us with a rather blatant example of conflict of interest, as then music editor Jeff DeRoche felt it necessary to pen a lengthy feature article on the musical group the Long Winters--a group that counts film editor Sean Nelson as a member. Such tomfoolery was rendered moot, however, as the article by Mr. DeRoche was unreadable, and, as a consequence, could not have had a significant impact on album sales. If anything, Mr. DeRoche's inane ramblings made music lovers think twice about purchasing the "product" being sold by the band being profiled. Vol. 11, No. 24 (Feb 28-March 6) was The Stranger's 10th Anniversary Issue (postponed, in a rare display of tact by the paper, from September following the terrorist attacks in New York and Washington, D.C.). Its content: page after page of juvenile, morally indefensible "items," from an offensive column entitled "Sexy, Sexy Five-Year-Old!" to an article called "Where Are They Now," wherein The Stranger falsely claimed a number of noteworthy and vastly talented writers as former employees. One positive note: a piece called "People Who Hate Us the Most," detailing the long list of intelligent citizens who hate The Stranger. May others soon join them in their estimation of this sorry piece of newsprint. The bulk of Vol. 11, No. 25 (March 7-13) was taken up with an inexcusably long, painfully dull article on Seattle's University District by Sean Nelson. As we shall see, the words "long" and "dull" can often be found trailing Mr. Nelson around. In Vol. 11, No. 26 (March 14-20), The Stranger leaned on its only reliable crutch: alcohol. Purportedly a "special issue," it featured a handful of booze-fueled diatribes, including a "modest proposal" by Charles Mudede suggesting building housing for the homeless that includes bars in the floor plans, and an excessively filthy piece by Wm. Steven Humphrey not only praising the "pleasures" of alcohol, but of strippers as well. In short, the entire issue achieved a record new low. Said low did not remain a record for long, however, as Vol. 11, No. 27 (March 21-27) brought a feature article on breast reduction surgery, a vicious (and wholly unwarranted) attack against the Seattle Weekly, a monorail article (#3), and a book review by Sean Nelson that both attacked the Seattle Weekly and gave a glowing review to a former Stranger staffer's work. Inexcusable. Vol. 11, No. 28 (March 28-April 3) found itself soiled with an ignorant, vacant article on baseball by Bradley Steinbacher, as well as yet another monorail article (#4), and a comic strip that utilized anal rape of young boys by priests as its "punch line." For shame. Vol. 11, No. 29 (April 4-10) brought the resignation of The Stranger's music editor, Jeff DeRoche. The departure of Mr. DeRoche in the wake of his Long Winters feature was at first cause for some elation on my part; never again would I have to read Mr. DeRoche's tripe. Mr. DeRoche was quickly replaced by one Jennifer Maerz in the position of music editor and suddenly I found myself missing the prose "stylings" of Mr. DeRoche. Featuring a long article by Adrian Ryan, Vol. 11, No. 30 (April 11-17) would best be described by two words: too gay. A general comment: For a paper that is not, at least officially, a "gay" publication, The Stranger features the writings of a curiously large number of avowed homosexuals. One wonders what Seattle's "heterosexual community," if I may coin a phrase, makes of this. Also found within the pages of this issue: a monorail article (#5), as well as a blubbering, near-painful interview of a screenwriter by Sean Nelson. Vol. 11, No. 31 (April 18-24) had only one item of note in an otherwise forgettable issue: a "new column" entitled "Ron, the Aspiring Necrophiliac!" Just why The Stranger's editors would find such a topic amusing remains beyond comprehension. Or perhaps exposing the existence of perversions more extreme than those engaged in by this paper's editor and a large number of its staff, thereby drawing a flattering comparison, was a tortured and misguided attempt to flatter Seattle's "homosexual community." Vol. 11, No. 32 (April 25-May 1) read as a hastily assembled Music Issue, featuring a rather heartless (though honest) obituary of a deceased musician by Kathleen Wilson. Also included: another monorail article (#6). Vol. 11, No. 33 (May 2-May 8) contained perhaps The Stranger's greatest blunder of the year in criticism (among many), as Josh Feit--news editor Josh Feit--"reviewed" (and subsequently panned) the new film Spider-Man without having actually seen it. One positive note, however: Undoubtedly due to Mr. Feit's time constraints from penning the aforementioned review, Vol. 11, No. 33 contained not one article about the monorail. I didn't read the entirety of Vol. 11, No. 34 (May 9-15), and suspect I am not the only one. Vol. 11, No. 35 (May 16-22) found The Stranger once again resorting to a cheap ploy in order to garner interest. The infraction this time: the "Count the Steve Pools Contest!" wherein readers were instructed to tabulate the many photographs of local TV weatherman Steve Pool littered throughout the issue in an attempt to win a free lunch with Mr. Pool and Stranger Editor Dan Savage. Inexplicably, hundreds of people apparently entered the contest, though the correct tally of Steve Pool images was somewhat in doubt, leading to claims of fraud from myself and others. Also included in the issue: two monorail articles (#7, #8). Vol. 11, No. 36 (May 23-29) was an issue devoted to the Seattle International Film Festival. Edited by Sean Nelson, it contained the usual sarcasm-laden, rigorously negative previews and reviews The Stranger is known and despised for. Vol. 11, No. 37 (May 30-June 5) contained not only a news article on the monorail (#9), but an entire feature article as well (#10). On a more troubling note, the May 30 issue also marked Stranger Editor Dan Savage's first attempt to dislodge me from my perch, this time by replacing my own critique with the idiotic musings of a 16-year-old girl named Jennifer Beckwith. Miss Beckwith loved everything about this issue, which should come as no surprise to anyone. Seeing some compliments in this space was doubtless the reason Mr. Savage replaced my column with one by an insipid teenager. It was the first of many scrimmages between Savage and I. Vol. 11, No. 38 (June 6-12) had almost nothing to recommend it, save for another monorail article (#11). The same could be said for Vol. 11, No. 39 (June 13-19) (monorail article #12). Vol. 11, No. 40 (June 20-26), however, contained a fairly well written feature by Kathleen Wilson on a musical act. This, though, was defiled by an ego-driven, bumbling interview of Tom Cruise by Bradley Steinbacher. Said interview focused more on Mr. Steinbacher than his actual subject, a startling occurrence given Mr. Steinbacher's rather vacuous existence. (Also: monorail article #13.) Vol. 11, No. 41 (June 27-July 3) was The Stranger's annual Queer Issue, devoted to all things homosexual. This issue was meant to be a contrast to other issues of The Stranger, somehow. Along with this unnatural propaganda came a monorail article (#14) and a long piece on a "punk rock" band by music editor Jennifer Maerz (possibly #136 or #137). Vol. 11, No. 42 (July 4-10) found The Stranger in a patriotic mood--especially editor Dan Savage, who penned a long rant promoting war with Iraq. I found myself in rare accord with the editor of The Stranger. This was no comfort to me; in fact, it caused me to doubt the soundness and advisability of my position on this issue, and I took to my bed. Some other "highlights": Min Liao gave a positive review to a restaurant, surprising no one; another monorail article (#15) appeared; and visual art editor Emily Hall wrote the following baffling passage in a review of an artist's work: "The work is bright and beachy: a happy, disorderly pile of bright, edgeless rectangles--the incandescent blue, yellow, and red of pool toys--stuffed into the big window that overlooks Bellevue Way, a couple of striped mattress things on the wall, some inflated plastic 'paintings,' one with a nozzle cleverly drawing back the veil on both method and phenomenology (breath makes the painting literally come out to you, and you breathe life into it; Bruce meets Mollura meets Bruce)." Vol. 11, No. 43 (July 11-17) was a surprisingly solid issue, featuring a lengthy article by Josh Feit on the Seattle City Council, as well as an inquisitive and informative piece on a new art venue by Emily Hall, who thus redeemed herself. There were two low points, however: film reviews by both Sean Nelson and Bradley Steinbacher. (Side note: Mr. Steinbacher's review, for a film titled Road to Perdition, would in the following week be attacked by Sean Nelson in a counterpoint review, adding needless squabbling to the long list of Nelson/Steinbacher blunders.) Vol. 11, No. 44 (July 18-24) brought a feature article wherein Bradley Steinbacher documented his experience watching a pornographic movie being produced in a hotel room. While the appearance of pornography in The Stranger's pages was not surprising in the least, Mr. Steinbacher's feature nonetheless managed to transcend its seamy element. For the briefest of moments, Mr. Steinbacher appeared to have stumbled upon some writing talent. Unfortunately, by Vol. 11, No. 45 (July 25-31), this newfound talent had vanished, along with any code of ethics The Stranger may have had (and kept well hidden), as in this issue the paper published its "Best of Our Advertisers in Seattle 2002" feature essay, filled with glowing praise for all its advertisers. Also included: a monorail article (#16). Vol. 11, No. 46 (Aug 1-7) featured a long-winded "arts" piece by Emily Hall, a monorail article (#17), and a profile of a "punk group" by Jennifer Maerz (#483). Vol. 11, No. 47 (Aug 8-14) contained a number of inexcusable blunders, including (but not limited to): a pro-gambling feature package (the biggest sin of which was how poorly it was written); yet another monorail article (#17 since January--with many more to come as election time approached); and a film review by Bradley Steinbacher that actually contained the following lines: "You'll probably soak your trousers over XXX. You may even feel the urge to yank said trousers down and start masturbating like a chimp right there in the movie theater, you'll be so excited. If so, some advice: Aim for your soda cup and not the person's head in front of you." Pauline Kael must surely be spinning in her grave. Vol. 11, No. 48 (Aug 15-21) found the poster ban overturned and The Stranger rejoicing (in their usual sore-winner style). It also brought two more articles on the monorail (#18, #19). Vol. 11, No. 49 (Aug 22-28) was one of the year's most insipid issues: Charles Mudede and Bradley Steinbacher turned in essays on supposedly scary locations in Seattle, under the title "Topography of Terror," an appalling bit of tastelessness considering the times in which we live. Amazingly, The Stranger then published an insipid sequel to "Topography of Terror" two months later. Vol. 11, No. 50 (Aug 29-Sept 4) was noteworthy not for its attack on the Seattle Weekly (unwarranted and inane, as usual), but for the fact that it marked two whole weeks in a row in which an issue was published without a single article on the monorail. Vol. 11, No. 51 (Sept 5-11) featured "9/11" in a large font size on its cover. Perusal of the issue's pages, however, found very little 9/11-anniversary content. Instead: the usual drivel. I skimmed Vol. 11, No. 52 (Sept 12-18) and Vol. 12, No. 1 (Sept 19-25), but found much to deplore in Vol. 12, No. 2 (Sept 26-Oct 2), The Stranger's Back to School Issue. A quick exploration of its contents revealed articles promoting drugs (by Bradley Steinbacher), promiscuous sex (by Dan Savage), casual lesbianism (by Min Liao), binge drinking (by Kathleen Wilson), "dropping out" of school (by Sean Nelson), and plagiarizing (by Dan Savage's brother, Bill Savage--proving that, indeed, nepotism can be counted among The Stranger's sins). One positive note: a long, informative article on proper grammar by Sean Nelson. Unfortunately, The Stranger's own editors appear not to have read it. Vol. 12, No. 3 (Oct 3-9) marked The Stranger's "big push" for the monorail (as apparently 19 previous articles weren't enough), with monorail articles #20, #21, and #22. Vol. 12, No. 4 (Oct 10-16) offered monorail article #23, as well as an ill-informed anti-anti-war protester article, and an unfortunate foray into book reviewing by Bradley Steinbacher. With Vol. 12, No. 5 (Oct 17-23) came monorail article #24, as well as point/counterpoint articles by Josh Feit and Dan Savage on war with Iraq. Just why two minor writers such as Feit and Savage feel their opinions on world affairs should be of interest to anyone besides themselves is a mystery. Vol. 12, No. 6 (Oct 24-30) brought the sequel to the aforementioned charade known as "Topography of Terror" (see Vol. 11, No. 49), as well as monorail articles #25 and #26. Vol. 12, No. 7 (Oct 31-Nov 6) was The Stranger's Election Endorsement Issue--which probably should have been called the Monorail Endorsement/Advertisement Issue, since monorail articles #27, #28, #29, and #30 could be found within its pages. The monorail was even featured on the issue's cover. As for the rest of the content: near-unreadable. Vol. 12, No. 8 (Nov 7-13) was given over to an excerpt from editor Dan Savage's book Skipping Towards Gomorrah--a rather uninspired, bland collection of liberal drippings (the good sense Mr. Savage displayed in his July 4 Iraq article was nowhere to be found in his "defense" of sin)--as well as monorail article #31. In Vol. 12, No. 9 (Nov 14-20), Emily Hall penned a smart, well-scribed article about arts funding; Min Liao gave up the consumption of meat (with rather mundane results); and monorail articles #32, #33, and #34 appeared. Vol. 12, No. 10 (Nov 21-27) was yet another sleep-inducing Stranger Music Issue (save for a splendid, heartbreaking article by David Schmader, whose Last Days column is the sole ray of sunlight in the otherwise gloomy weekly experience that is The Stranger). Also: a stunningly obvious and more-than-a-little-wrongheaded diatribe against James Bond movies by Bradley Steinbacher. Plus, monorail article #35. Vol. 12, No. 11 (Nov 28-Dec 4)... where to begin? From the pullout holiday catalog's title, "Strangercrombie & Felch," which utilized a vulgar term for the act of siphoning one's own semen from the orifice of another? Or how about the catalog's photographic spread, filled with shots of a near-naked man and a similarly unclad woman? In a year of lows, Vol. 12, No. 11 has to rank at the bottom. No matter how much money was raised for charity through its publication, the "Strangercrombie & Felch" Holiday Catalog was nothing more than a travesty. (Also: monorail article #36.) The feature in Vol. 12, No. 12 (Dec 5-11) focused on coffeehouses on 15th Avenue in Seattle--which is to say, it was skulldeadeningly dull. The same could be said for Josh Feit's news lead on drug companies, not to mention monorail article #37 (will it ever end)? If Seattle voters approved the monorail plan in a desperate attempt to appease The Stranger, and perhaps turn the paper's attention to other topics, the move was an expensive failure. Vol. 12, No. 13 (Dec 12-18) marked editor Dan Savage's most severe attack against me yet: he replaced my column with the obscene lyrics of a "rap" song by a band called "2 Live Crew." Litigation is still pending, so I will withhold further comment. Suffice it to say that The Stranger's publisher, Tim Keck, now edits my column, and Mr. Savage reads it when the paper is distributed. Vol. 12, No. 14 (Dec 19-24) featured a "Christmas-themed" cover that managed to offend most every Christian, making it a perfect companion for Dan Savage's column, Savage Love. Vol. 12, No. 15 (Dec 25-Jan 31) brought the year's final two monorail articles (#38 and #39), as well as various uninteresting year-end "wrap-ups," etc. And as for Vol. 12, No. 16, didn't read/skimmed/unable to find interest/too gay.