It's never too early in the campaign season to embarrass yourself. That is the lesson, the only lesson, to be gleaned from this week's feature story, penned by none other than ELI SANDERS, who squanders some two-plus pages to handicap—a word that when the suffix "ed" is tagged on and then is coupled with "mentally," "morally," or "sexually" aptly describes The Stranger staff—the 2008 presidential candidates. Just why Mr. Sanders (and his meddling editor) felt the world was clamoring for his keen insights on matters he so obviously knows nothing about (outside of what he's been able to cull from various spellchecker-challenged socialist bloggers) remains a mystery. Elsewhere in the issue: SARAH MIRK, who just last month was sent limping from town with her resumé in tatters, files an "at large" report on some local crank (evidently changing time zones hasn't changed her nose for inconsequential news); Film Editor ANNIE WAGNER—and we should all file this under the heading "News Flash!"—actually enjoys not one but two films she reviews this week; and DAN SAVAGE (speaking of spellchecker-challenged socialists) further pollutes both common sense and mother nature in an installment of his Savage Love column notable for its racial insensitivity. The lone bright spot in the issue? The final installment of ADRIAN RYAN's Celebrity I Saw U column, the absence of which will butch The Stranger's print edition up a few notches, moving it from Liberace to Paul Lynde (though Mr. Ryan himself will always remain too gay).