NEWS As if The Stranger's staff wasn't working hard enough to advance the homosexualist agenda, this week the news section employs a freelancer, BRIAN TURNER, to advance "pink purposes." The issue: some ninny expecting "domestic-partner" benefits to be handed out in the backwater of Burien. Dear Mr. Turner: Would you like "domestic-partner" benefits for your "friend"? Move to Seattle, where domestic-partner benefits and other "special rights" are available to all. ALSO: ERICA C. BARNETT returns yet again to the nightclub trough, while JOSH FEIT flips a coin between uninformed outrage and uninformed lectures and decides that this week he will be delivering a lecture—the 961st in his woefully unchecked series, this one addressed to state senator Eric Oemig. PLUS: In the Hall, In Other News, From Slog, and Police Beat.

SHORT FEATURE Goodbye, TrimSpa's RoseIn which DAVID SCHMADER states: "Future archeologists will puzzle over the motives of a culture obsessed with the bumbling nonadventures of a deeply troubled woman"—and then proceeds to spend about 800 words obsessing over said deeply troubled woman, who happens to be my former acquaintance, Anna Nicole Smith. I didn't know Anna well, but J. Howard Marshall and I remained friendly after our Standard Oil days, and I always thought Anna to be a shrewd businesswoman who deserved whatever she was paid by TrimSpa (full disclosure: I own a significant stake in the company) as well as whatever she could grab from Howard's estate, if only for the smile she brought to the old dog's face in his twilight years. What Anna didn't deserve was to be "memorialized" by a bunch of jealous drug addicts who, unlike her, haven't yet figured out how to make big money while bombed.

FEATURE Military JusticeIf there is anyone in this country I care less about than Lieutenant Ehren Watada, the holier-than-thou "hero" of the antiwar left, it is ELI SANDERS, the chief stenographer for this interminable case of cowardice masquerading as conscience. Send Watada to Guantánamo already, and grant Mr. Sanders privileges for a permanent visit.