NEWS At this point, after so many articles filed from the seat of her bike, shouldn't ERICA C. BARNETT's legs be strong enough to get her onto the professional racing circuit? Or shouldn't her balance be good enough to get her into the circus? Isn't there some other job these skills qualify her for? One would hope so, but, alas, one's hopes are dashed by this week's story from Ms. Barnett—about, you guessed it, a bike protest. In other aspiring circus acts: JONAH SPANGENTHAL-LEE writes, again, about skateboards; ELI SANDERS goes through numerous contortions in a failed attempt to make his political observations seem relevant; and in CounterIntel JOSH FEIT shoots himself upward out of a verbal cannon, and through a rhetorical ring of fire, so that he can, for a brief moment, imagine himself soaring above writers from the New Yorker. PLUS: In the Hall, Police Beat, From Slog, and In Other News.

FEATURE Running on AngryCongressman Ron Paul, the subject of this week's endless feature, happens to be an old friend of mine from the John Birch Society. Because I know Congressman Paul to be a fine, self-made man who properly hates taxes and takes no guff from our illegitimate "federal government," it pains me to learn that he recently found himself being shadowed on the campaign trail by a handout-slurping welfare queen like ELI SANDERS. It's quite enough that the congressman has been branded by the liberal media as a so-called "fringe candidate"; must he also be mocked by a man whose very existence proves the case for getting rid of the social safety net?

SPECIAL Food Fight: Reader Review RevueEverything tastes good when you're stoned. Or so I've heard, more often than I'd like, in the halls of this morally and physically decaying building. For this reason I've long wondered why anyone would trust a food review produced here, by people for whom having the "munchies" is a more or less chronic condition. I was pleased, then, to see that this week The Stranger's "food writers" are sharing the responsibility of culinary judgment with their readers. But then I remembered what Mr. Keck once told me about this paper's readership: It's a demographic that overlaps considerably with the demographic for Mad Dog 20/20 and Cheech & Chong rentals. Which raises the stomach-churning possibility that this week's group effort will prove even more worthless than usual. Pop a Mylanta and strap on an adult diaper before you enter this "special section."