NEWS Proving there's no story too minor for the inflamed rhetoric of JOSH FEIT, the main news story this week tackles... a student walkout at a local high school. What did the students want? The reinstatement of a guidance counselor. When did they want it? About 8:30 in the morning. Why is it news? It's not. Mr. Feit seems to believe any sort of pseudo-'60s wheezing is worthy of heavy petting—odd given that Feit himself couldn't have been out of his nappies during those turbulent and wholly decadent years. ALSO: ELI SANDERS, who seems to soil his nappies anytime a Democrat speaks, files a report from a recent event involving Senators Maria Cantwell and Barack Obama.PLUS: CounterIntel, In the Hall, and In Other News.

SHORT FEATURE Supreme IndifferenceThe only thing surprising about The Stranger after all these years is the number of normally clear-headed writers of note who choose to sully their good names (and imperil the luster of their canons) by allowing their words to be printed in this wretched rag. This week finds JONATHAN RABAN severely kneecapping his career.

FEATURE American Psycho"What sells papers," the great Morley Safer once told me after far too many drinks at a bar in Manila, "is direct and determined pandering to the fears of the unwashed masses." Thoroughly three-sheets though we were, his words have nonetheless stayed with me all these years, and they ring especially true in light of the entirely salacious—and ultimately pointless—feature story this week by THOMAS FRANCIS.