NEWS: JOSH FEIT reports on the negligible threat of fundamentalist Christian pharmacists, ELI SANDERS reports on a poorly run gay flophouse, and KELSEY AMBLE reports on an "offensive" performance at Cornish College of the Arts. Will it take another tragic massacre to make The Stranger's news section matter again? PLUS: CounterIntel, In the Hall, In Other News, and Police Beat

SHORT FEATURE: Immigrant Awakening Taking a break from writing Darcy Burner's name in a florid cursive all over his notebook, ELI SANDERS turns his attention to the massive immigration protests that crowded city streets across the nation this week. These protests warmed my crusty heart. As the only son of North Korean immigrants (I was adopted), I am infuriated by Republican efforts to make illegal immigration a felony. However, Sanders's predictably far-left-wing screed only serves to make the GOP look sane by comparison.

FEATURE Escape from South Dakota In the wake of last week's laughably limp-wristed feature, The Stranger has decided to cease—or at least suspend—ignoring its heterosexual readership. Hence this admirable story by EMILY WHITE on South Dakota's recent abortion ban. Though Ms. White and I have substantial disagreements on the issue, her piece must be praised—especially since it saved me from reading about the homosexual lifestyle (for a week, at least).

SPECIAL PULLOUT Worn Out Once upon a time The Stranger had integrity. Wait, scratch that. Once upon a time The Stranger claimed it had integrity. This special fashion issue—as blatant an example of "advertorial" content as you're likely to see (until next year's installment, that is)—should put those nasty rumors to rest.