NEWS This week: TOM FRANCIS rifles through some dead psycho's alleged garbage, ERICA C. BARNETT carries on about the city's alleged "crackdown on nightlife," and ELI SANDERS bestows more attention on Washington State's premier Darth Vader impersonator, Tim Eyman. The Stranger news team: Putting the "news" in snooze since 1991.

SHORT FEATURE Hump! 2006
"Write what you know," goes the classic dictum, and DAN SAVAGE follows it to the letter with his thousand-word commercial for Hump!, The Stranger's second-annual homemade pornography competition. Since Savage has devoted as much of his life to gawking at porn as I've spent playing with all of my grandchildren and great-grandchildren combined, he's clearly the right man for the job. However, the whole notion of Hump! is disgusting. Enjoying pornography purchased with your own money is one thing; soliciting free pornography from your innocent readership (under the guise of artistic competition, no less) is something else entirely. Enjoy your eternity in Hell, Mr. Savage.

FEATURE The Drug War
While the Stranger's editor-in-chief urges readers to submit videotapes of themselves in sexually compromising positions, Stranger news editor JOSH FEIT climbs on his well-worn soapbox to rant about the evils of protecting pharmacists who dare to have religious convictions. Porn=good, religion=bad—The Stranger in a nutshell, forever.