For another week, The Stranger's "news beat" is flogged like a Gitmo prisoner riding a dead horse. Specifically, ERICA C. BARNETT offers an update on the viaduct controversy, SARAH MIRK weighs in on the proposed fate of the 520 bridge (what would The Stranger news team do without imperiled structures to whine about?), then waxes blandly on a low-income-housing summit, and the STRANGER ELECTION CONTROL BOARD reviews the results of Seattle's primary elections. PLUS: In the Hall, CounterIntel, Police Beat, and In Other News.

SHORT FEATURE: Dinner Theater
BRENDAN KILEY attends a theatrical event where audience members are given a lecture, fed mysterious meats, and made to inhale nitrous oxide. Rather than reporting the event and its venue to the police and Department of Health, however, Kiley writes about it, with pleasure. Perhaps next week he will write a rave review of getting shot in the face.

PULLOUT: Back to School Guide
For the 273rd year in a row, The Stranger shamelessly attempts to indoctrinate the young and impressionable with its so-called Back to School Guide, a 32-page ode to evil. Kids: If you want a life you won't be ashamed of once you grow and/or sober up, read The Stranger's Back to School Guide—and do the opposite of whatever it says.