Cienna Madrid’s second-grade school portrait.

Hello, incoming students!

Are you nervous? Don't be nervous! You are currently being deluged with stressful information from your school about classes and books and fees and forms and deadlines and a bunch of other boring crap. What about the things that actually matter? Is your school going to help you get laid? Is your school going to advise you on whether or not to take a bong hit during a drinking binge? Is your school going to teach you how to talk about music—or politics—without being annoying?

Don't worry! We're here for you. We were college students once (and some of us even graduated!), and we remember all the questions we had that no one would answer. On the following pages, you will find our heartfelt advice about sex and dating, drinking and puking, music and art, and the city itself: places to go and things to eat that you might not find on your own.

Ready? Okay!