The Whore on Christmas

The Whore on Christmas

Blue XXXmas

Holey Night

Going home for the holidays is nerve-racking. The first question, at any function, is always, "So, do you have a special someone?" "Nope!" I answer. And the conversation ends in an awkward brilliance. Last year, after dinner, my dad asked me, "Kelly, you still don't have a boyfriend? Are you one of those... LESBIANS?" "Yep!" I said, lying. He smiled and looked confused.

Um, WTF? Can't anyone wrap their brain around the concept of being 30 and single? Sometimes you just have a dry spell. And helping you through those dry spells is what porn is for. If you, like me, are single this holiday season, you might want to toss some triple-X-ers in your bag before you head home. You know, just to keep you sane. Here are four titles, all fairly easy to rent or download, and each one is three times hotter if you watch it at Mom's house, after everyone's gone to bed in their reindeer-covered jammies.

Hustler's Barely Legal Christmas

(Hustler Video, 2007)

Normally I'm against any of the "Barely Legal" titles. What's hot about over-25-year-old, skinny-ass, no-hipped, no-titted women pretending to be in high school? The only redeeming quality of this DVD can be cummed up—er, summed up—in two words: SASHA GREY. She's in the first of six "holiday-themed" straight (anal, girl and girl, and three-way) scenes. Sasha's the hottest girl working in porn right now. She's a perfect anatomically correct porn-star Barbie doll.

Playing with Mrs. Claus

(Anarchy Films, 2007)

Anarchy Films has a trademark on the "Playing with" virtual interactive sex series (straight, solo). An actually pretty (!) and voluptuous chica named Trina Michaels gyrates around in a Santa outfit until you take the controls and tell her what to do. Your choices range from tit fuck, toys, come, blowjob, anal, spoon, foreplay, and reverse cowgirl.

Department Store Discipline

(Shadow Lane Productions, 2007)

Feeling guilty about the ridiculous amount of bullshit you've charged on your Visa or MasterCard? Maybe you need a spanking. The setting: Gambol's department store. Bonnie, a lingerie salesgirl, gets caught shoplifting on Christmas. Rather than involve the police, her supervisor, Ms. St. Clair, and the store manager, Mr. Bartlett, take matters into their own hands. I guess this is considered "fetish" porn, but Bonnie's bright-red, perky-perfect round ass looks exceptionally Christmasy when it's hot-crimson red.

Big Titty Christmas

(Sin City, 2006)

Unlike the first three, this one is a full-on "costume porn"—meaning the superendowed (holy moly, are those double-F?) ladies wear Santa hats, red fishnets, and mistletoe crowns while they play with various candy canes and Santa's freakishly huge northern pole. This one's frickin' LOUD. No matter how low you turn the sound down, it still seems loud. Watch it on MUTE, and have a happy, self-slappy holiday.