OPENING AND CURRENT RUNS
Opening. Top-notch sketch comedians the Habit return with a "greatest hits" assemblage. The Bathhouse Theatre, 7312 W Green Lake Dr N, www.thehabit.org, $10. Thurs-Sat at 8 pm, Sat at 11 pm. Through April 20.
THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS
Closes this week. Americans sure do love prostitution. Starring Ann-Margret! The Paramount Theatre, Ninth & Pine, 292-2787. $20-$56. Tues-Sat at 8 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 pm, Sun at 7:30 pm. Through March 31.
THE BORROWED TOMB
This week only. A new musical about Christ kicking off the dust and rising from the grave. North Seattle Alliance Church, 2150 N 122nd St, 363-7570. Free. Fri-Sat at 7 pm.
Wonky dancer gets in a tizzy over snooty poseur. ArtsWest, 4711 California Ave SW, 938-0339. $10-$22. Wed-Thurs at 7:30 pm (no show Wed March 27), Fri-Sat at 8 pm, selected Sat-Sun at 3 pm (call for details). Through April 13.
Closes this week. Mmmm, bacon. Seattle Children's Theatre, 201 Thomas St at Seattle Center, 441-3322. $21.50-$22.50 adults, $14.50-$15.50 senior/student/child. Fri at 7 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 & 5:30 pm. Through March 30.
CHOOZE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: OUTER SPACE AND BEYOND
The second theatrical variation on the kids' books, where you get to decide where the plot goes. "Funny bits crop up throughout the show... but 90 minutes feels like two hours." (Bret Fetzer) Re-bar, 1114 Howell St (at Boren), 444-4315. $10. Fri-Sat at 8 pm. Through April 13.
Female burglar helps wronged wife take revenge on her jerky husband. Liberty Deli, 2722 Alki Ave SW, 935-8420. $29 plus tax with meal, $15 show only (limited availability). Fri-Sat at 7:30 pm (dinner at 6:30 pm). Through April 20.
Reviewed this week. The Rep gets back to one of the things it does best--big period comedies--with Molière's overlooked story of history's most notorious horndog. Seattle Repertory Theatre, 155 Mercer St, 443-2222. $15-$44 ($10 for anyone under 25). Tues-Sun at 7:30 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 pm. Through April 13.
Solo show about an unemployed actor taking reservations for an ultra-chic restaurant. "Though there are some laughs (thanks to actor R. Hamilton Wright), the script is bland and mechanical--the theatrical equivalent of a bag of potato chips." (Bret Fetzer) ACT Theatre, 700 Union St, 292-7676. $24.50-$29.50. Thurs at 7:30 pm, Fri-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 2 pm. Open run.
IF I DIE IN A COMBAT ZONE
Opening. A bunch of the boys in this testosterone-driven Vietnam War show are total hotties. Book-It at Richard Hugo House, 1634 11th Ave, 325-6500. $19 (senior/student/group discounts). Thurs-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm. Through April 28.
INTO THE WEST
Two kids and a horse. What more do you need? Seattle Children's Theatre, 201 Thomas St at Seattle Center, 441-3322. Adults $21.50-$22.50, senior/student/child $14.50-$15.50. Fri at 7 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 & 5:30 pm. Through April 28.
THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
About a guy looking for his one and only. Smilewide Productions at Northwest Actors Studio, 1100 E Pike St, 441-4149. $13 general, $10 students. Fri-Sat at 8 pm. Through April 13.
THE MAN WHO WAS THURSDAY
Reviewed this week. John Longenbaugh adapts G. K. Chesterton's Edwardian spy novel. Taproot Theatre, 204 N 85th St, 781-9707. $18-$26; students/seniors get a $2 discount. Wed-Thurs at 7:30 pm, Fri-Sat at 8 pm, Sat at 2 pm. (Fri nights feature NightCap Comedy Improv at 10:15 pm, $5.) Through April 20.
NINE HOLES GOES CRAZY
Opening. Buncha short plays, sorta on the theme of madness. Theatre Babylon at the Union Garage, 1418 10th Ave, 720-1942. $12 (pay-what-you-can on Thursdays). Thurs-Sat at 8 pm. (Special pay-what-you-can performance on Mon April 8 at 8 pm.) Through April 27.
SCHOOLHOUSE ROCKS LIVE!
A musical based on the public-service cartoons of yore. ReAct at Langston Hughes Cultural Arts Center, 17th & Yesler, 364-3283. $18 general, $15 students/seniors/military, $12 children. Fri-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm (no show on Easter Sunday). Through April 7.
SEX IN SEATTLE, EPISODE 4: NEW YEAR CONFESSIONS
The latest installment in this Asian American sex-soap-opera. SIS Productions at Center House Theatre, Seattle Center House, 305 Harrison St, 323-9443. $12 general, $8 students/seniors/actors. Fri at 10 pm, Sat at 7:30 & 10 pm. Through April 6.
TEATRO ZINZANNI: DINNER & DREAMS
Opening. The most expensive dinner theater of all time; three hours of gluttony, lust, and eye candy. Featuring the effervescent yet earthy Kevin Kent. Teatro Zinzanni, Sixth & Battery, 805-0015. $89 Wed-Fri & Sun, $99 Sat (includes dinner, but not beverages or gratuity). Wed-Sat at 6:30 pm, Sun at 5:30 pm. Open run.
Opening. Not one of Shakespeare's best, but neither was Cymbeline and Intiman's production kicked ass. Directed by Bartlett Sher. Intiman Theatre, Seattle Center, 201 Mercer St, 269-1900. $30-$42 ($10 for anyone 25 & under). Tues-Thurs & Sun at 7:30 pm, Fri-Sat at 8 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 pm (Wed matinee at 2 pm on April 24). Through April 27.
Opening. A schizoid play about a schizoid young woman. Stepping Stone Productions at Nippon Kan Theatre, 628 S Washington St, 325-6500. $15 general, $12 students/seniors. Thurs-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 7 pm. Through April 13.
TWILIGHT ZONE MARATHON
Four episodes, back to back. Theater Schmeater, 1500 Summit Ave, 325-6500. $15 Fri-Sat, $12 Thurs-Sun. Thurs-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 7 pm. Through April 27.
THE WAVERLY GALLERY
A play by Kenneth Lonergan (You Can Count on Me) about an elderly woman losing her marbles. "The play's greatest weakness is the story itself.... What lingers is the dialogue, which is like the brushstrokes of a painting: not what the painting depicts, yet deeply--essentially--what it's about." (Bret Fetzer) The Empty Space, 3509 Fremont Ave N, 547-7500. $22-$30. Tues-Thurs at 7:30 pm, Fri-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 7 pm (select Sat-Sun at 2 pm). Through April 6.
Opening. A bunch of sweaty, stomping Celts. Go at your own risk. The Paramount Theatre, Ninth and Pine, 292-2787. $26.50-$62.50. Tues-Sat at 8 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 pm, Sun at 7:30 pm. Through April 7.
FESTIVALS, CABARET, & COMEDY
* CIRCUS CONTRAPTION
Baroque Wrestlers, the Beer Bottle Orchestra, and more. "Tim Burton would sell what's left of his soul for just a sip of the vintage strain of vaudeville running through the veins of this anarchic troupe." (Tamara Paris) Sand Point Magnuson Park, 7400 Sand Point Way NE, 442-2004. $15. All shows 21 and over, Fri-Sat at 8:30 pm. Through April 6.
MARKET FRESH IMPROV
The audience selects from a menu of improv games. Market Theatre, Post Alley (you know, down below the pig), 781-9273. $10. Fri-Sat at 8 pm. Open run.
* NORTHWEST NEW WORKS
Opening. See Stranger Suggests. Always the most exciting compilation of new dance, theater, music, and what-the-fuck-was-that by Northwest performers. Featuring Laura Curry, Amii LeGendre, the Three Yells, ana SasKia, Pablo Cornejo, Macha Monkey, and more, more, more. On the Boards, 100 W Roy St, 217-9888. $5-$12 single tickets, multi-show passes available. Fri-Sat at 7:30 & 10:30 pm (different performances at different times; call for details). Through April 8.
NOT NAMED BOB
This week only. Subtitled, Weird Ass Radio Theatre. Featuring performers from Lo Blo, Theatre on the Rocks, Disgruntled Bit Players, and others. Union Garage, 1418 10th Ave, 720-1942. $6. Fri-Sat at 11 pm.
CABARET: THE ResERECTION at Coffee Messiah, 861-8233.
JET CITY IMPROV at ArtsWest, 938-0339; at the Ethnic Cultural Theater, 781-3879.
LATE NIGHT CATECHISM from Seattle Theatre Project at ACT Theatre, 292-7676.
MYSTERIAN at Illusionz Magical Entertainment Center, Issaquah, 425-427-2444.
QUEER AS A THREE-DOLLAR BILL at the Comedy Underground, 800-992-8499.
THEATERSPORTS at the Market Theater, 781-9273.
CHILDREN OF UGANDA
This week only. A dance troupe of Ugandan orphans. Everett Performing Arts Center, 2710 Wetmore Ave, Everett, 425-257-8600. $14 adults, $12 children. Sat at 4 pm and 7 pm.
A rock musical about generations of Asian American history. Village Theatre, 303 Front St N, Issaquah, 425-392-2202. $36-$42 general, $32 seniors, $25 anyone 18 and under. Tues-Sat at 8 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 pm, Sun at 7 pm. Through April 21.
Opening. Dickens, in song. SKY Theatre's KIDSTAGE at Stanwood High School Performing Arts Center, 400 272nd St NW, Stanwood, 360-629-9229. $6-$8. Thurs-Sat at 7 pm (2 pm matinees on Sat March 30 and Sun April 7).