OPENING THIS WEEK

FIRST NIGHT · Liberty Deli

LEAR · Consolidated Works

RETURN TO THE GARDEN OF ALLAH · Re-bar

SPEED-THE-PLOW · Book-It Theater

ONE WEEK ONLY

BIS · The Chamber Theater

CITY OF ANGELS · Jane Addams Theater

CLOWN CLOWN CLOWN CLOWN CLOWN CLOWN CLOWN · Seattle Repertory Theatre

THE DISH · Broadway Performance Hall

CLOSING THIS WEEK

AMSTERDAM · The Empty Space Theatre

BACH AND BEYOND · Pacific Northwest Ballet

METAMORPHOSES · Intiman Theatre

OPENING AND CURRENT RUNS

*AMSTERDAM

Lauren Weedman, one of Seattle's most gorgeously deranged solo artists, is back in a music-filled piece that has her playing a naive American, her mother, and several odd Dutch folk (including a cabaret performer named "Beppi"). "In her most expansive piece yet, Weedman gets down to the cringing, kitschy business of being human. She's tossing things off here that are funnier than the supposed big jokes of most mainstream comedies." (Steve Wiecking) Empty Space Theatre, 3509 Fremont Ave N, 547-7500. Tues-Thurs at 7:30, Fri-Sat at 8, Sun at 7, select matinees at 2, through March 25. $18-$26.

APPLE TO GRANDMA

Holland's Speeltheater comes to Seattle along with some trippy puppets in a tale of moons, caterpillars, and a big, tasty apple. Seattle Children's Theatre, Seattle Center, 441-3322. Fri at 7, Sat-Sun at 2 and 5:30, through April 16. $8.25-$20.50.

BASEBALL STORIES

Book-It Repertory addresses the quintessential American pastime with a performance featuring the writings of award-winning historian Doris Kearns Goodwin and W. P. Kinsella (author of the beloved baseball fantasy Shoeless Joe). If done right -- the Book-It folks have a good track record -- the blend of Kearns' nostalgia and Kinsella's "magic realism" should entertain even those who yawn at the sport. Theatre off Jackson, 409 Seventh S, 216-0833. Thurs-Sat at 8, Sun at 2, through April 2. $13-$15.

CITY OF ANGELS

In a benefit for Civic Light Opera, this is a formal, one-night-only production of the Tony-winning Broadway musical: a clever, sassy parody of film noir, with a Hollywood writer caught between the frustrating real world and the demands of his hard-boiled fantasy universe. KLSY's Dave Wingert narrates, and the evening's mistress of ceremonies is Peggy Platt. A reception follows the performance. Jane Addams Theater, 11051 34th Ave NE, 425-746-4831. Sat March 25 at 8. $40-$45.

CLOWN CLOWN CLOWN CLOWN CLOWN CLOWN CLOWN

For the non-phobic this could be a treat: Larry Pisoni, original founder of the acclaimed Pickle Family Circus, has created a piece celebrating the art of clowning in seven scenes. Seattle Repertory Theatre, Seattle Center, 443-2222. Thurs-Sat March 23-25 at 7:30, Sun March 26 at 2. $15.

THE DISH

Queercore, the Gay City program for gay and bi men in their 20s, returns with its third annual evening of irreverent queer discussion in a talk show format. Hosted by local funny folks Kevin Kent and Jennifer Jasper, the free event features real people talking about this year's topics: Turn-ons and Transgenders. A lighthearted setting, but serious discussion. Broadway Performance Hall, 1625 Broadway, 860-6969. Tues March 28 only, at 7. Free.

FIRST NIGHT

Those deli theatre people, RipTide, close their season of food and entertainment with a romantic comedy about New Year's Eve, a video clerk, and an ex-nun. The play is probably not the delicious porn it could be, but the gourmet buffet should satisfy your appetite. Liberty Deli, 2722 Alki Ave SW, 405-8433. Fri and Sat dinner at 6:30, show at 7:30 (one Sun show on April 16), through April 16. $22.

KING HEDLEY II

Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright August Wilson continues his long-standing allegiance to a lucky Seattle Rep with this world premiere production, a sequel of sorts to his celebrated Seven Guitars. Seattle Repertory Theatre, Seattle Center, 443-2222. Tues-Sun at 7:30, Sat-Sun matinees at 2, through April 8. $10-$42.

Late Night Catechism

An evening of audience participation and interactive improv theater: think Sister Windy crossed with Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You. ACT, 700 Union St, 292-7676. Thurs-Sat at 8, Sun at 2, extended for eternity. $24.50-$29.50.

LEAR

See Stranger Suggests, page 44. Consolidated Works, 410 Terry Ave N, 860-5245. Thurs-Sun at 8, through April 9. $12-$14.

THE MALE INTELLECT: AN OXYMORON?

Playwright/actor Robert Dubac has received some positive notice for this solo show, but suspicions understandably arise when smart-ass guys claim concern over dated, inane questions like, "What do women want?" If you believe the grinning couples in the television ads, Dubac's show could actually save your marriage with the gift of laughter. The Moore Theatre, 1932 Second Ave, 292-ARTS. Tues-Thurs at 7:30, Fri-Sat at 8, Sun at 7, Sat-Sun matinees at 2. Tues-Sun March 21-26 only. $18-$35.

*METAMORPHOSES

Writer/director Mary Zimmerman's dreamy, sensual exploration of love and change, using the work of Ovid, Rilke, and others as foundation. "With transcendent reverence for the human element of myths, the show is rapture without suffocating pretense; its unencumbered generosity can bring you to tears." (Steve Wiecking) Intiman Theatre, Seattle Center, 443-2222. Tues-Sun at 7:30, Sat-Sun matinees at 2, through March 26. $10-$42.

THE MIDWIFE'S APPRENTICE

Constance Congdon (Dog Opera, Tales of the Lost Formicans) adapts Karen Cushman's award-winning book about the adventures and longings of a medieval orphan girl. "Capable players, and you couldn't ask for a better physical production, but Congdon has not actively opened up the story for the stage. The heroine's victories are page-bound." (Steve Wiecking) Charlotte Martin Theatre, Seattle Center, 441-3322. Fri at 7, Sat-Sun at 2 and 5:30, through April 8. $13.50-$20.50.

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

In which a man with a pizza-face regales a goosey soprano with pop show tunes, and hopes that smoke machines and a falling chandelier will distract audiences from the inherent disposability of the entire production. Based on attendance records, the freak was right. The 5th Avenue Theatre, 1326 Fifth Ave, 292-ARTS. Tues-Sat at 8, Sun at 7:30, Sat-Sun matinees at 2, through April 23. $15-$67.50.

RETURN TO THE GARDEN OF ALLAH

See Stranger Suggests, page 45. Re-bar, 1114 Howell St, 323-0388. Opens Fri March 24. Thurs-Sun at 8. Open-ended run. $15.

THE SALT WOUND

ArtsWest presents an American premiere of Scottish playwright Stephen Greehorn's Edinburgh Fringe Festival hit, the story of the bleak choices facing one woman in a tiny fishing village. ArtsWest Theatre, 4711 California Ave SW in the West Seattle Junction, 938-0339. Thurs-Sat at 8, select matinees at 3, through April 8. $16-$19.

THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL

Accompanied by the charismatic lead performance of creamy-voiced Douglas Sills, this never-say-die swashbuckling musical has done Broadway twice: in its original incarnation, and the reworked version that will be seen here. The composer, Frank Wildhorn, is also responsible for the Mother of All Bafflingly Resilient Mishaps, Jekyll & Hyde, and has such a complete lack of common sense that he's said to be musicalizing Blade Runner. Feel free to have your doubts. Paramount Theatre, 911 Pine St, 292-ARTS. Tues-Sat at 8, Sun at 7:30, Sat-Sun matinees at 2, through April 2. $21-$50.

SPEED-THE-PLOW

The private, demoralized world of two Hollywood devils infiltrated by a deceptive Madonna/whore (or, literally, Madonna, in its original Broadway incarnation). After Oleanna, it's perhaps the height of David Mamet's thinly veiled misogyny. This play has already hit Seattle in the last few months, but Smashing Views Productions is presenting their take on the material, featuring Mamet's excoriating and undeniably brilliant, bristling language. Book-It Theater, 1219 Westlake Ave, 227-5222. Thurs-Sat at 8, through April 15. $10.

STANDARD TIME: SONGS OF WORLD WAR II

Cabaret de Paris reprises the musical revue, highlighting timeless, haunting wartime melodies -- I'll Be Seeing You, I'll Get By, et al. -- performed by Valerie Piacenti and supplemented with reminiscences from Studs Terkel's The Good War. Crepe de Paris, Rainier Square, Fourth and Union, Second Level, 623-4111. Fri-Sat at 8 (patrons ordering dinner should arrive by 6:30), through April 8. $15.

DANCE

BACH AND BEYOND

Pacific Northwest Ballet presents a program featuring the music of Bach and others, including one piece, Concerto Barocco, choreographed by the beloved Mr. Balanchine. Pacific Northwest Ballet, Seattle Center, 441-2424. Thurs-Sat at 7:30, Sat matinees at 2, through March 25. $16.50-$100.

BIS

An intriguing new ensemble presents an evening of dance, video, film, and sound. BIS, the company, was created by choreographer Corinna Befort, video artist Hisao Ihara, and composer David Stanford, and BIS, the performance, features their work in a multi-media dance piece called distance/time. Arianna Lewis' performance installation Some Parts Red will also be unveiled. Chamber Theatre, 915 E Pine, Oddfellows Building, Fourth Floor, 324-6780. Fri-Sun March 24-26 only, at 8. $8-$10.

FESTIVALS, CABARETS, & COMEDY

Julie Cascioppo Experience

Songs and characters you may grow to love. The Pink Door, Pike Place Market, 1919 Post Alley, 443-3241. Tues at 8:30 & 11. No cover.

*THREE DOLLAR BILL

Seattle's original gay/lesbian/bisexual stand-up comedy night is still standing in its second year. Comedy Under-ground, 222 S Main St, 628-0303. Tues at 8. $6.

LATE NIGHT

THE A.M. CABARET

Amoral entertainment for insomniacs; promising naked poetry, music, strippers, and drag queens. You may think you're dreaming. Coffee Messiah, 1554 E Olive Way, 860-7377. Sat from 2-4 am. $5.

Jet City Improv

Improv comedy and music based on audience suggestions. Ethnic Cultural Theater, 3940 Brooklyn Ave NE, 781-3879. Fri-Sat at 10:30. $7, $5 with student ID.

Theater Sports

Improv comedy with a competitive edge, brought to you by Unexpected Productions. Market Theater, 1428 Post Alley, 781-9273. Fri-Sat at 10:30, $9; Sun at 7, $5.

CALLS

ANNEX HOTHOUSE

Annex Theatre announces a call for directors and performers for Annex Hothouse 2000. For two weeks, May 14-27, Annex will host four writers who will work with directors and actors to create new pieces of theater. The event culminates in public performances on the Annex Mainstage. Call 728-0933 for application guidelines and further information.

BASTA COSI PRODUCTIONS

Looking for actors and actresses of all types and ethnicities for a short film. Auditions will be held this Sunday, March 26 from noon until 4 pm. Please call 709-4186 to make an appointment to audition.

GET TREATED PRODUCTIONS

Holding auditions March 25-26 for Lisa Janicki's film short, Lift, to be shot in May. To schedule an audition call 323-6861 weekdays from 9:30 am-2 pm, or any time on the weekend.