OPENING THIS WEEK

CARLOTTA'S LATE NIGHT HOLIDAY WING DING · Northwest Actors Studio Cabaret Space

PHOENICIA & VIC AT THE HOLIDAY LOUNGE · Thumpers

ONE WEEK ONLY

INTIMATE STAGE · Dappin' Butoh

JUST IMPROV · Re-bar

CLOSING THIS WEEK

CHERRY CHERRY LEMON · Re-bar

CHRISTMAS IN BABYLON · The Little Theatre

Hellcab · Union Garage

THE LARAMIE PROJECT · The Empty Space

MONEY & RUN, EPISODE 1 · Theater Schmeater

Orgasmo Adulto Escapes from the Zoo · A Theatre Under the Influence

THE PRINCE & THE PAUPER · The 5th Ave Theatre

SUBTERRANEAN HOMESICK · Theater Schmeater

THERESE RAQUIN · The Shunpike Arts Collective

A VERY REGGIE X-MAS/THE TRACHTENBURG FAMILY SLIDESHOW PLAYERS...ON ICE! · On the Boards

WHAT I TELL YOU IN DARKNESS · Golden Fish Theatre

OPENING AND CURRENT RUNS

A VERY LESBIAN NUTCRACKER

Reviewed this issue. The holiday deluge: Pseudo-lesbian noir Catholic schoolgirl Christmas stories. Pulp Vixens at Northwest Asian American Theatre, 409 Seventh Ave S, 340-1049. $12 general, $10 students/seniors. Thurs-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 4 pm. Through Dec 24.

APPALACHIAN CHRISTMAS HOMECOMING

The holiday deluge: Forbidden hillbilly love. Taproot Theatre, 204 N 85th St, 781-9707. $18-$26. Wed-Thurs at 7:30 pm, Fri-Sat at 8 pm, Sat at 2 pm. Through Dec 29.

* THE BEARD OF AVON

A comedy about the "Was Shakespeare really Shakespeare?" controversy. "Though the whole may not fully gel, the play takes flight when [playwriting collaborators] De Vere and Shaksper go head to head, fighting with and inspiring each other in turns, acting as two voices in a single consciousness." (Bret Fetzer) Seattle Repertory Theatre, Second Ave & Mercer St, 443-2222. $15-$39. Tues-Sun at 7:30 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 pm. Through Dec 22.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS PAGEANT EVER

The holiday deluge: Cute kids goof up. Kill me now. The Bathhouse Theater, 7312 W Green Lake Dr N, 325-6500. $12 adults, $8 kids, $5 additional kids after two with paying adult. Thurs-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm. Through Dec 30.

BLACK NATIVITY: A GOSPEL SONG PLAY

The holiday deluge: The African American version. Intiman Theatre, 201 Mercer St, 269-1900. $40 adults, $30 seniors/students/group rate, $15 "young people" (i.e., under 16). Tues-Thurs at 7:30 pm, Fri-Sat at 8 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 pm. Through Dec 23.

* CHERRY CHERRY LEMON

See Stranger Suggests. All about girls and sex, with Keira McDonald's Showerhead as an appetizer. "[Playwright Keri] Healey's script is both forceful and delicate, knowing and curious, wise without arrogance. It's also hilariously frank." (Sean Nelson) Re-bar, 1114 Howell Ave, 323-0388. $12. Sat ONLY at 8 pm. EXTENDED through Dec 15.

CHRISTMAS IN BABYLON

The holiday deluge: Fun with translation machines. The Little Theatre, 608 19th Ave E, 329-2629. $12 general, $10 NW Film Forum members. Thurs-Sun at 8 pm, Fri-Sat at 10 pm. Through Dec 16.

THE GOOD DOCTOR

Neil Simon adapts Chekov. Which is sort of like John Hughes remaking The Battleship Potemkin. Stone Soup Theatre, 4035 Stone Way N, 633-1883. $12 (Thurs is pay-what-you-will). Thurs-Sat at 8 pm, Sat matinees at 4 pm. Through Dec 22.

HELLCAB

A bunch of cab rides on Christmas eve. "Much like excitedly unwrapping a present and finding a boring old pair of warm socks, this utilitarian offering is unfortunately uninspired." (Tamara Paris) Theatre Company No. 3 at Union Garage, 1418 10th Ave, 720-1942. $12 (Thurs is pay-what-you-will). Thurs-Sat at 8 pm. Through Dec 15.

THE HOBOKEN CHICKEN EMERGENCY

The conflict between small-town small-mindedness and a giant chicken. A musical. Seattle Children's Theatre, Seattle Center, 441-3322. $14.50-$22.50. Fri at 7 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 & 5:30 pm. Through Jan 5.

THE HOTHOUSE

The holiday deluge: I didn't know there was such a thing as "Harold Pinter's zany holiday classic," but that's how the press release describes this show. Liberty Deli, 2722 Alki Ave SW, 935-8420. $29 ($15 show only, tickets limited). Fri-Sat and selected Sun; dinner at 6:30 pm, show starts at 7:30 pm. Through Dec 29.

INSPECTING CAROL

The holiday deluge: Dickens + Gogol. Seattle Repertory Theatre, Second Ave & Mercer St, 443-2222. $15-$44 ($20 for anyone under 25). Tues-Sun at 7:30 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 pm. Through Dec 30.

* THE LARAMIE PROJECT

A documentary theater piece about the killing of Matthew Shepard. "The script is intelligent, complex, and artful... and Chay Yew's direction provides some of the most visually arresting moments of theater I've seen in Seattle in a long time." (Rebecca Brown) The Empty Space at the Eve Alvord Theatre in the Seattle Children's Theatre, Seattle Center, 547-7500. $22-$30 ($10 for anyone 25 and under, seniors 1/2 price). Tues-Thurs at 7:30 pm, Fri-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 7 pm (2 pm matinee on Dec 15). Through Dec 15.

THE NUTCRACKER PUPPET BALLET

The holiday deluge: Ballerinas on strings. The Carter Family Marionettes at Northwest Puppet Center, 9123 15th Ave NE, 523-2579. $8.50 adults, $7 seniors, $6.50 children. Fri at 7:30 pm, Sat-Sun at 1 & 3 pm. Through Dec 23.

ORGASMO ADULTO ESCAPES FROM THE ZOO

Reviewed this issue. Short plays by Dario Fo and Franca Rame. A Theatre Under the Influence at the Union Garage, 1418 10th Ave, 720-1942. $12 (Thurs is pay-what-you-will). Thurs-Sat at 8 pm. Through Dec 15.

OWEN MEANY'S CHRISTMAS PAGEANT

The holiday deluge: Children can be cranky too. Book-It at North Seattle Community College's Stage One Theater, 9600 College Way N, 325-6500. $19 general, $17.50 book clubs, $17.25 students/seniors/groups (Fri-Sat), $15 students/senior (Thurs/Sun). Thurs-Sun at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm (also Sat Dec 22 at 2 pm). Through Dec 23.

THE PRINCE & THE PAUPER

A new musical of the Mark Twain story. The 5th Ave Theatre, 1308 Fifth Ave, 292-ARTS. $18-$58. Tues-Sat at 8, Sun at 7:30 pm (Dec 9), Sat-Sun at 2 pm.

* SUBTERRANEAN HOMESICK

A new dysfunctional family comedy by John Moe. "Because it so successfully tapped into my pathetic, pot and 'just-tryin-to-make-it'-influenced Seattleite soul, I am appropriately hard-pressed to give it a 'review.' ...It's not bad. Hey, who am I to judge?" (Brian Goedde) Theater Schmeater, 1500 Summit Ave, 325-6500. $12. Thurs-Fri at 8 pm. Through Dec 14.

THERESE RAQUIN

Reviewed this issue. A new adaptation of the Emile Zola thriller. The Shunpike Arts Collective at the Odd Duck Studio, 1214 10th Ave, 484-8451. $10. Fri-Sat at 8 pm. Through Dec 15.

* A VERY REGGIE X-MAS/THE TRACHTENBURG FAMILY SLIDESHOW PLAYERS... ON ICE!

The holiday deluge: Splitting the weekend, Reggie Watts & Co. (Thurs-Fri) and Jason Trachtenburg & Family (Sat-Sun). On the Boards, 100 W Roy St, 217-9888. $10 for each show. Through Dec 16.

VOICES OF CHRISTMAS

The holiday deluge: Multicultural heartwarmingness. ArtsWest, 4711 California Ave SW, 938-0339. $10-$24. Tues-Thurs & Sun at 7:30 pm, Fri at 8 pm, Sat at 3 pm; Mon Dec 24 at 7:30 pm. Through Dec 24.

WHAT I TELL YOU IN DARKNESS

A new play by Stuart Greenman (Silence, Cunning, Exile), about the birth of televangelism. "Clumsy staging doesn't rise to the challenges of Greenman's script.... A little more showmanship, and a little less humanity, might have actually shed more light on the world of Darkness." (Bret Fetzer) Golden Fish Theatre at Richard Hugo House, 1634 11th Ave, 528-0158. $18. Thur-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 2 pm. Through Dec 16.

DANCE

INTIMATE STAGE

Featuring a "Butoh perversion" of the Nutcracker Ballet. Dappin' Butoh, 2353 N 64th St, 526-5756. $10. Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 7 pm. This weekend only.

FESTIVALS, CABARET, & COMEDY

A(N IMPROVISED) CHRISTMAS CAROL

The holiday deluge: Dickens with audience suggestions. Unexpected Productions at the Market Theatre, 1428 Post Alley (below Pike Place Market), 781-9273. $10. Fri-Sat at 8 pm. Through Dec 22.

HOLIDAY HIT PARADE

The holiday deluge: Gay men singing. Seattle Men's Chorus at Benaroya Hall, Third Ave between Union and University, 323-2992. $12.50-$32. Dec 15, 17, 23 at assorted times; call for details. Through Dec 23.

I LOVE BEING ABROAD

Julie Cascioppo sings about travel. Thumpers, 1500 E Madison, 328-3800. $10 cover. Sun at 8:30 pm. Through Dec 30.

JUST IMPROV

A bunch of sketch comedians (from the Habit, Up in Your Grill, and Some Kind of Cult) do improv. Re-bar, 1114 Howell St, 714-6825. $5. Mon at 8, this week only.

LATE NIGHT

CARLOTTA'S LATE NIGHT HOLIDAY WING DING

The delightful alter ego of Troy Mink returns with a late night talk show, featuring a wealth of local talent. Ursa Major Theatre at Northwest Actors Studio Cabaret Space, 1100 E Pike St, 325-6500. $8 general, $7 students/seniors. Fri-Sat at 10 pm. Through Dec 29.

CROUCHING ELVES, HIDDEN PACKAGES (THE MUSICAL)

This is the last "Crouching X, Hidden Y" title I will allow in this theater calendar. That damn movie is over a year old. Enough already. Multicultural sketch comedy from Pork Filled Players at Theatre Off Jackson, 409 Seventh Ave S, 365-0282. $8 general, $6 student, $5 groups. Fri-Sat at 10:30 pm, Sun at 7 pm. Through Dec 23.

MONEY & RUN, EPISODE 1

See Stranger Suggests. They're remounting all the early episodes with an all-new cast. I pity the fool who tries to fill Julie Rawley's shoes. Theater Schmeater, 1500 Summit Ave, 324-5801. $10 (under 18 free). Thurs-Sat at 11 pm. Through Dec 15.

PHOENICIA & VIC AT THE HOLIDAY LOUNGE

See Stranger Suggests. The holiday deluge: Wade Madsen in drag, Victor Janusz in a tux. Thumpers, 1500 E Madison, 328-3800. $10 cover. Fri-Sat at 10:30 pm. Through Dec 22.

LONG RUNS

CABARET: THE RESURRECTION at Coffee Messiah, 861-8233.

JET CITY IMPROV at ArtsWest, 938-0339; at the Ethnic Cultural Theater (note new location), 781-3879.

LATE NIGHT CATECHISM from Seattle Theatre Project at A Contemporary Theatre, 292-7676.

MYSTERIAN at Illusionz Magical Entertainment Center, Issaquah, (425) 427-2444.

QUEER AS A THREE DOLLAR BILL at the Comedy Underground, (800) 992-8499.

THEATERSPORTS at the Market Theater, 781-9273.