I regret not giving Two Birds and a Stone, by local playwright Amy Wheeler, a more judicious review in February. I called it "nasty, brutish, and long" and I stand by those adjectives. But the play had merits I didn't initially recognize, including fantastic breaks of comic whimsy and an admirably ambitious scope. It was a typical new work: messy, gutsy, and a hell of a lot more interesting than another goddamned Stoppard production.
I have generally been too impatient with local playwrights. A little critical indulgence goes a long way toward cultivating a healthy writing scene, and I'd much rather see a terrible new work than a mediocre remount.
I regret not coming to your show (but sometimes I regret coming to your show).
I regret writing about myself too often and not being interesting enough to justify the words I have wasted in autobiography. I should probably go to more parties and earn your amused admiration with fearless, stupid antics. You'd probably prefer reading about me getting arrested with a prominent artistic director and a local farmboy-turned-diva and our three-person production of Okalahoma! that knocked 'em dead in the exercise yard.
I regret jokes like that one, and that I'm not funnier in print. Or in person.
I regret that my editors have grown literal-minded in their old age--I had this strange story about a disbarred lawyer whose wacky litigious habits earned him the proud title of "performance artist" (and I don't bestow such laurels lightly). But the higher powers said it seemed like "a stretch."
Finally, I regret that you don't proofread your programs. The zine-photocopy aesthetic and cryptic shout-outs can be charming. But first impressions are critical, and it's hard to take your insights on the human condition seriously when I read that This "Post Modern" play teaches me the ravags of Sex-ism and why its wrong to hump orange's. As a special magnanimous New Year's favor, I will proof your fringe programs for a measly seven bucks--I know programs are the last thing on your list when you open tomorrow and haven't blocked the second act, but a misplaced apostrophe is its own bad review.