This list is the best of what's coming. Unless somebody dies. Or falls off the stage. Or just has a shitty day. What can we say? Sue us if you don't end up liking this stuff. TRY IT, BITCHEZ.

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Hot Tub Time Machine

John Cusack (America's boyfriend), Craig Robinson (Darryl on The Office), Rob Corddry (baldnoxious), and some pudgy man-child (whoever) hop in a ski-lodge hot tub for some man-time and are transported to 1986, because, as it turns out, the hot tub is a time machine. Hot tub time machine. Allegedly a riff on 1980s raunch comedies, so far the funniest discernible thing about Hot Tub Time Machine is its title (Hot Tub Time Machine), and the second funniest thing is Robinson—so high, so smooth, so joking like he's not joking. I love him. Let's hope the rest of the movie lives up. Opens March 26. LINDY WEST

Clash of the Titans

Do not sit there and look me in the face and act like you do not enjoy a giant sea monster fighting a warrior. Do you dislike hot babes? Are you anti-dragon? Are you weirdly emotionally attached to the original Clash of the Titans, even though that movie was pretty much nothing special? I mean, it's not like someone decided to remake Star Wars or something. Although that would be the hilariousest thing ever. Oh please oh please oh pleeease! Opens April 2. LW

My Son My Son What Have Ye Done

Hey! You got your Werner Herzog on my David Lynch! You got your David Lynch on my Werner Herzog! You got your Chloë Sevigny on my Willem Dafoe! You got your Willem Dafoe on my Sophocles! You got your matricidal Greek myth on my San Diego psychodrama! Well you got your San Diego on my ostrich farm! You got your David Lynch in my mouth! Fuck, I am just covered with Werner Herzog over here! Does anyone have a towel? Fuck. April 9–15, Northwest Film Forum. LW

Iron Man 2

Honestly, this sequel doesn't look nearly as fun as the original, which buzzed with neurotic oddball energy and unlikely heroics and a hilarious excess of Grecian Formula. Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark is, frankly, a self-aggrandizing dick, and it was fun to watch him transform—out of necessity, not nobility—into a bottom-kicking, evil-fighting robot. From the trailers, Iron Man 2 appears to be much more straightforward: just a bunch of big, invincible metal robots punching each other. It's Robert Downey Jr. as Optimus Prime. But when's the last time Downey did anything (anything!) that wasn't completely fucking delightful? THE ANSWER IS NEGATIVE ONE MILLION YEARS B.C. In other words, never. You'll see Iron Man 2 and you will like it. Opens May 7. LW

Seattle International Film Festival

Just in time for the life-affirming return of Seattle sunshine comes an irresistible excuse to sit in a dark theater and watch movies for a month. SIFF, this city's expansive annual celebration of global filmmaking, is a monumental effort—last year, it screened 392 films from 62 countries over 25 days—and one that inspires me to say corny shit like "Your passport to faraway lands!!!" and "Visit people and places you never knew existed!!!" But that's exactly what it feels like! Embrace the corn. (Also, some of it is shitty. Make sure to read our great big SIFF guide before you commit to anything.) May 20–June 13. LW

Sex and the City 2

Instead of seeing this movie, why not allow your body to be digested slowly and painfully (still conscious, btw!) by the rancid stomach acids of a very large and spiteful anaconda? Opens May 28. LW

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BadMovieArt: Teen Witch

You should keep an eye on Jason Miller's BadMovieArt series (and the newly revamped and fun-injected programming at Central Cinema) year-round, but this one I'm particularly excited about. It's Teen Witch, the 1989 cult classic featuring Zelda Rubinstein, vanity-motivated witchcraft, and the most life-changingly funny dance/rap battle ever committed to film. There's nothing else like it. You must see it. May 10, Central Cinema. LW