This stuff will rule harder than Qaddafi, or your money back. (That is half true.)

'In a Lonely Place'

Who cannot go on and on about this noir classic by Nicolas Ray? It stars one of the queens of noir, Gloria Grahame, and one of the kings, Humphrey Bogart. The story: A drunken screenwriter (Bogart) suddenly finds a dead woman in his apartment. Who killed her? The police suspect he is the murderer, but his neighbor (Grahame) clears his name. As the two become involved, the neighbor starts to see the screenwriter's ugly side. The more she looks at this side, the more he seems capable of the murder. Will she be next? March 30, Metro Cinemas. CHARLES MUDEDE

'Source Code'

Source Code is dumb and doesn't make any sense. But it's also totally exciting (until the third act, which is dumb and doesn't make any sense)!!! Doe-eyed rascal Jake Gyllenhaal wakes up on a Chicago commuter train trapped in the body of some dude named Sean. He has eight minutes, which he lives over and over again, to save the day before the train blows up. Source Code is Quantum Leap meets Groundhog Day meets a train! And if that little pop-cultural equation doesn't make your pantaloons tingle, then please never talk to me. Opens April 1. LINDY WEST

'Shallow Grave'

If you want to win an argument, then argue this: Danny Boyle's best film is his first film, Shallow Grave. Do not say Slumdog Millionaire or any of the other films in SIFF's series The Works of Danny Boyle (28 Days Later, Sunshine, Trainspotting). Shallow Grave, which came out in 1994, is the film that launched Ewan McGregor's career—this launch indeed sent him to a galaxy far, far away. The film is about three Edinburgh roommates who are thrown into the heart of darkness by a dead man's bag of money. It's 1990s noir at its best. April 9, SIFF Cinema. CM

'The Strange Case of Angelica'

I just checked Wikipedia and confirmed that the director of this film, the immensely old Manoel de Oliveira, is still alive! He has lived for 102 years. Do you understand what this means? He was born before World War I! And he made his first film before World War II. His last film, Eccentricities of a Blonde-Haired Girl, was not only good but completed when he was 100. His new film, The Strange Case of Angelica, was completed at 101. And he is about to finish a new film at 102. As if all of this weren't amazing enough, his filmmaking appears to be improving. I wish I had his genes. April 15–21, Northwest Film Forum. CM

'Potiche'

Why are we so looking forward to this movie? Because (1) François Ozon is a great French director (and he is not old at all at 43) and (2) the film stars a great French actress, Catherine Deneuve (how well she has aged). As the films Swimming Pool and Under the Sand make abundantly clear, Ozon is at his best when working with an actress who has entered the twilight years of a long, glorious career. Opens April 15, Harvard Exit. CM

'Thor'

Okay, so what the fuck is the plot of Thor? He's a Norse god, but he's from space, but he's also kind of an unfrozen caveman lawyer? I guess it doesn't really matter. Is this movie going to be good? I really have no idea. But the cast (Stellan Skarsgård, Idris Elba, Anthony Hopkins, Natalie Portman) is promising, and Kenneth Branagh directed it, which is weird. Pro tip: Get wasted on aquavit before you go. Opens May 6. LW

Seattle International Film Festival

SIFF equals one million films from one million countries. It is a monumental effort that inspires me to say corny shit like "Your passport to faraway lands!!!" and "Visit people and places you never knew existed!!!" But that's exactly what it feels like! (Also, some of it is shitty. Make sure to read our great big SIFF guide before you commit to anything.) May 19–June 12. LW

'The Beaver'

This is the one where Mel Gibson plays a depressed dad who works through his feelings with the help of a talking Australian beaver puppet. It is his "comeback movie." You've no doubt watched the trailer, at which point you no doubt noticed that this movie looks... kind of good. Jodie Foster directs and costars. Opens May 20. LW

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'The Hangover, Part II'

Zach Galifianakis, Ed Helms, blah blah blah. Bradley Cooper. Blah blah blah. Bangkok, drunkenness, ladyboys, etc. etc. etc. etc. Ken Jeong's penis. Mike Tyson again. Blah blah blah blah The Hangover II blah. Everyone on earth will see this. Your grandma will see it twice. Etc. Blah. Opens May 26. LW recommended