Thursday, Sept 21

8:30 NBC THE OFFICE

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Season premiere! Michael accidentally outs Oscar—bringing down a gay jihad on his head.

Friday, Sept 22

8:00 CBS GHOST WHISPERER

Season premiere! The ghosts stage an intervention with Melinda, begging her to start SPEAKING UP.

Saturday, Sept 23

9:00 SCI KRAKEN: TENTACLES OF THE DEEP—Movie

(2006) Undersea scientists are terrorized by a giant hiphop squid, who keeps asking them to "get it crackin'!"

Monday, Sept 25

9:00 NBC HEROES

Debut! Ordinary people develop superpowers—and yet what happens when I try to get bitten by a radioactive spider? ZILCH.

Tuesday, Sept 26

8:00 CW GILMORE GIRLS

Season premiere! After a blowout with Luke, hot MILF Lorelai hops in the sack with Christopher.

Wednesday, Sept 27

8:00 CBS JERICHO

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With a nuclear fallout cloud on the way, Jake improvises a makeshift shelter out of duct tape and condoms.

Go on back to your slut. steve@thestranger.com