Thursday, June 9

8:00 CBS THE CUT
Debut! Dumbass Tommy Hilfiger stars in this reality show in which he assumes he has something to offer the fashion world.

8:30 MTV 2005 MTV MOVIE AWARDS
Almost as fun as the Humpy Awardsâ„¢-if it weren't for that asshole Jimmy Fallon.

9:00 NBC HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME
More has-beens compete for one more shot at fame, including the Motels, the Knack, and Vanilla Ice! WOW!

Friday, June 10

10:00 MTV THE REAL WORLD XVI LAUNCH SPECIAL
Since MTV has run out of cities willing to host the Real World kids, this year's group will live in a Russian gulag. (I wish.)

Saturday, June 11

9:00 TOON JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED
Captain Marvel joins the JLA to battle Lex Luthor, and yes, I'm a big freaking dork.

Sunday, June 12

9:00 HBO ENTOURAGE
The gang arrive on the movie set, and immediately start complaining about the lack of hookers in their trailers.

9:30 HBO THE COMEBACK
Valerie's efforts to land a new sitcom grow increasingly humiliating-but not as humiliating as Vanilla Ice on Hit Me Baby One More Time!

Monday, June 13

9:00 TNT THE CLOSER
Debut! Kyra Sedgwick stars as an uppity police gal who has the nerve to be really awesome at solving crimes.

Tuesday, June 14

9:00 UPN BRITNEY AND KEVIN: CHAOTIC
Season Finale! In the (thankfully) last show of this painful series, Britney reveals why she and Kevin wore those god-awful track suits to their wedding.

10:00 FX THE SHIELD
Season Finale! The Strike Team struggles to stay out of the hoose-gow, and Glenn Close says sayonara!

10:00 COM RENO 911!
Season Premiere! Yay! One of the funniest sitcoms is back with a new season and brand-new cast member. RECOMMENDED!

Wednesday, June 15

8:00 WB BEAUTY AND THE GEEK
The brainless beauties are instructed to build a rocket, while the men learn to sew on dismembered fingers.

10:00 FX 30 DAYS
Debut! Super Size Me's Morgan Spurlock's new series where he attempts to live on minimum wage for 30 days.

"Most Porkable TV Columnist" Winner steve@thestranger.com