Thursday, June 30

9:00 NBC HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME
Or as I like to call it, "Look How Fat They've Gotten!" This week with fat Missing Persons, and fat the Fixx.

9:00 FOX THE O.C.
When Kirsten discovers Sandy's been hiding his ex-girlfriend, it's time for a middle-age catfight!

Friday, July 1

8:00 TVLAND SYBIL—Movie
(1976) TV Land is showing classic TV movies all week, and tonight it's Sybil starring plucky Sally Field as a 16-personality schizophrenic!

Saturday, July 2

8:00 ABC LIVE 8
The charity concert set to coincide with the G8 summit. Yeah! A song from Oasis will stop those bureaucratic fat cats!

8:00 TVLAND HELTER SKELTER—Movie
(1976) More classic TV movie fun with a sanitized, but still creepy, Chuck Manson!

Sunday, July 3

8:00 UPN VERONICA MARS
Veronica's pal Mac discovers she was switched at birth—into a poor family! Boooo!

9:00 HBO ENTOURAGE
Vince goes up against Leo DiCaprio in the JamesCameron–directed Aquaman movie. Oh my god, is it gonna suck.

Monday, July 4

9:00 NBC MACY'S 4TH OF JULY FIREWORKS
Now you can scare the shit out of your pets inside your own home!

9:00 TNT THE CLOSER
Though I've pooh-poohed this detective show starring Kyra Sedgwick—it's pretty good! So I remove the pooh-pooh.

Tuesday, July 5

10:00 FX RESCUE ME
The firehouse votes on whether they should let drunk Tommy back in.

10:30 MTV THE '70S HOUSE
Debut! A new reality show where today's kids are trapped in a Brady Bunch–style house from the '70s.

Wednesday, July 6

9:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season Finale! Don't miss the exciting conclusion of the geekiest show of the year!

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A conservative heterosexual spends 30 days immersed in gay culture—and it takes him a week to learn how to say, "Fabulous!"

It's my prerogative. steve@thestranger.com