Thursday, Sept 15

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: GUATEMALASeason Premiere! A new group of survivors wash up on some ancient Mayan ruins—now with shambling mummies!10:30 COM THE SHOWBIZ SHOWDebut! Smarty-ass David Spade hosts this new show that skewers Hollywood-types.

Friday, Sept 16

8:30 WB TWINSDebut! A pair of non-look-alike twins take control of their parents' lingerie company. Cue the naked models!9:00 CBS THRESHOLDDebut! Hotsy scientists make first contact with butt-poking aliens!

Saturday, Sept 17

8:30 PBS THE GRATEFUL DEAD MOVIE(1977) For those unable to muster up the courage to kill themselves, check out this horrifyingly annoying concert film.

Sunday, Sept 18

8:00 CBS EMMY AWARDSEllen DeGeneres hosts this ceremony historically devoted to honoring the worst shows on television.

Monday, September 19

8:00 FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENTSeason Premiere! The Bluth family returns for another hilarious season! This episode: Michael ruins everything for everybody.8:30 CBS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHERDebut! Doogie Howser and Willow from Buffy star in this new sitcom about a loser looking for a wifey.9:00 WB JUST LEGALDebut! A legal prodigy hooks up with a washout lawyer (Don Johnson) in the 5,937th law show of the season.

Tuesday, Sept 20

8:30 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS: DANCE OFF!John O'Hurley and that talentless bitch Kelly Monaco hit the floor to decide who's boss!9:30 NBC THE OFFICESeason Premiere! Steve Carell is back as the clueless boss in last season's breakout hit.10:00 FX NIP/TUCKSeason Premiere! Christian gets his face sliced off, while Sean looks for a new partner. What a jerk!

Wednesday, Sept 21

8:00 NBC THE APPRENTICE: MARTHA STEWARTDebut! This week the contestants learn to make decorative electronic ankle bracelets.9:00 ABC LOSTSeason Premiere! The castaways finally discover what's inside the mysterious hatch—and it smells poopy!

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