Thursday, Oct 13

8:00 UPN EVERYONE HATES CHRISRaymond feels the need to step in when Chris crosses paths with a bully (not me this time).10:00 VH1 BREAKING BONADUCEDanny goes berserk at Gretchen's party in the most raw celebrity reality show ever!

Friday, Oct 14

8:30 MTV ASHLEE SIMPSON BIRTHDAY SPECIALAshlee turns 21 in Las Vegas—and you'd think she'd be old enough to learn how to put on mascara.9:00 CBS THRESHOLDA DJ is infected by the alien virus, and spreads it via his music. (Going to the club? Don't forget your anti-bacterial wipes!)

Saturday, Oct 15

9:00 SCI-FI RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD: RAVE TO THE GRAVE—Movie(2005) College kids get hooked on a new party drug—that causes them to eat human brains!

Sunday, Oct 16

9:00 ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVESGabrielle causes a prison riot when she visits Carlos—but only because hungry cons mistake her for a piece of beef jerky.10:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASMIn 30 minutes, Larry somehow manages to offend every race, religion, and sexual orientation. (And a couple cripples.)

Monday, Oct 17

10:30 MTV MISS SEVENTEENDebut! Seventeen teens compete to get an internship at Seventeen magazine. Perfect for the pedophile in your family!11:30 COM THE COLBERT REPORTDebut! The Daily Show's hee-larious Stephen Colbert gets his own nightly parody of Fox News pundit shows!

Tuesday, Oct 18

9:00 NBC MY NAME IS EARLWhimsy ensues when Earl's old prison buddy escapes and kidnaps Randy.9:30 NBC THE OFFICEMichael is forced to fire an employee—which puts a damper on his annual Halloween party.

Wednesday, Oct 19

9:00 ABC LOSTWhile searching for his missing son Walt, Michael discovers he's not alone... Bwwaahh-Ha-Haaaaa!10:00 COM SOUTH PARKSeason Premiere! It's a brand new season—and the kids are working harder than ever to offend you.Hey nerds, let's hang out sometime. steve@thestranger.com

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