Thursday, October 20
8:00 UPN EVERYONE HATES CHRISThe poop hits the fan when that fat bastard Fat Mike steals Chris's bike.
8:00 WB SMALLVILLEForget Aquaman—this episode also features
Buffy's James Marsters as Brainiac!
Friday, October 21
8:30 FOX MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLEHal catches Dewey smoking cigarettes, and makes him star in one of those really annoying "Truth" commercials.
10:00 MTV MADONNA: SECRETA behind-the-scenes documentary about Madonna's 2004 tour. What's the big secret? Metamucil!
Saturday, October 22
4:30 FOX WORLD SERIESCan we please get this stupid series over with so we can get back to
watchable TV? THANK YOU.
11:00 BRAVO INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIOThis week's guest: the great actress Rosie O'Donnell. I guess the great actor Carrot Top was busy.
Sunday, October 23
NOON FX PRISON BREAK MARATHONCatch up on all six episodes of America's favorite jailbird drama.
9:00 PBS MASTERPIECE THEATREHot Limey Rupert Everett plays master sleuth Sherlock Holmes in "The Case of the Silk Stocking."
Monday, October 24
8:30 CBS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHERHow does this crappy show keep ending up on everybody's "Best New Show" list? Am I nuts? (Don't answer that.)
Tuesday, October 25
8:00 ABC IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWNAfter experimenting with unknown hallucinogens, Linus is found nude and screaming in the pumpkin patch.
9:00 WB SUPERNATURALSam and Dean go after the classic lovers' lane urban myth—the "Hook Man."
Wednesday, October 26
9:00 UPN VERONICA MARSVeronica has a crap attack when a mysterious figure from her past returns.
10:00 ABC INVASIONRussell attempts to catch one of the aliens that poked his bottom.
Aquaman: the singing fish stick. steve@thestranger.com