Thursday, October 20

8:00 UPN EVERYONE HATES CHRISThe poop hits the fan when that fat bastard Fat Mike steals Chris's bike.8:00 WB SMALLVILLEForget Aquaman—this episode also features Buffy's James Marsters as Brainiac!

Friday, October 21

8:30 FOX MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLEHal catches Dewey smoking cigarettes, and makes him star in one of those really annoying "Truth" commercials.10:00 MTV MADONNA: SECRETA behind-the-scenes documentary about Madonna's 2004 tour. What's the big secret? Metamucil!

Saturday, October 22

4:30 FOX WORLD SERIESCan we please get this stupid series over with so we can get back to watchable TV? THANK YOU.11:00 BRAVO INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIOThis week's guest: the great actress Rosie O'Donnell. I guess the great actor Carrot Top was busy.

Sunday, October 23

NOON FX PRISON BREAK MARATHONCatch up on all six episodes of America's favorite jailbird drama.9:00 PBS MASTERPIECE THEATREHot Limey Rupert Everett plays master sleuth Sherlock Holmes in "The Case of the Silk Stocking."

Monday, October 24

8:30 CBS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHERHow does this crappy show keep ending up on everybody's "Best New Show" list? Am I nuts? (Don't answer that.)

Tuesday, October 25

8:00 ABC IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWNAfter experimenting with unknown hallucinogens, Linus is found nude and screaming in the pumpkin patch.9:00 WB SUPERNATURALSam and Dean go after the classic lovers' lane urban myth—the "Hook Man."

Wednesday, October 26

9:00 UPN VERONICA MARSVeronica has a crap attack when a mysterious figure from her past returns.10:00 ABC INVASIONRussell attempts to catch one of the aliens that poked his bottom.Aquaman: the singing fish stick. steve@thestranger.com

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