Thursday, Dec 8

8:00 WB SMALLVILLEIt's a Smallville "Christmas Carol" when Lex gets visited by the ghost of his nagging mom.8:00 FOX THE O.C.Ryan gets an internship with the Newport Group and Summer learns how to play the tuba (sexy!).

Friday, Dec 9

8:00 FOX DEAR SANTAActual families' holiday wishes are granted by... Clay Aiken? What are they wishing for? To be tortured to death??

Saturday, Dec 10

8:00 NBC IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE—Movie(1946) A ruined banker is saved by the townsfolk. Isn't it sad that this could never, ever happen?9:00 SPIKE VIDEO GAME AWARDSHey nerds! Samuel L. Jackson hosts this tribute to video games. Plus: Sexy girls you will never have a chance of dating.

Sunday, Dec 11

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: GUATEMALASeason Finale! In a surprising twist, the winner gets a million dollars and the runner-up gets fed to the crocodiles.8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONSWhile visiting Italy, the Simpsons blow Sideshow Bob's cover!

Monday, Dec 12

8:00 FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENTLucille is caught making out with the prison warden (James Lipton). All together now... "Eww."8:00 NBC ELTON JOHN: THE RED PIANOElton John performs live in Vegas with the help of Justin Timberlake's throat and Pamela Anderson's breasts.

Tuesday, Dec 13

9:00 UPN VICTORIA'S SECRET FASHION SHOWOkay... and why shouldn't I just jump online and download some free porn?10:00 FX NIP/TUCKChristmas is ruined when Mrs. Claus comes in for liposuction.

Wednesday, Dec 14

8:00 UPN AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODELThe girls of season five reunite to scratch each other's eyes out.10:00 ABC ALIASSydney reunites with Vaughn (yayyyyy!)—in her mind (boooooooo!).E-mail all God complaints to... steve@thestranger.com