Thursday, January 5

8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARSSeason Premiere! D-list actors trip over their big dumb feet in this hilarious reality contest!

Friday, January 6

9:00 NBC THE BOOK OF DANIELDebut! Former hottie Aidan Quinn stars as a preacher raising a family of hell-bound sinners. Repent!

Saturday, January 7

9:00 SCIFI CAVED IN: PREHISTORIC TERROR—Movie(2005) Dumb spelunkers battle an army of ass-biting prehistoric rhinoceros beetles.

Sunday, January 8

8:00 NBC WEST WINGGet yer hankies, it's the last episode featuring the late actor, John "Leo" Spencer.

Monday, January 9

10:00 ABC THE BACHELOR: PARISSeason Premiere! This time around, the bachelor is a handsome doctor (EEEEEEEE!!!) who woos the ladies in Paris! (EEEEEEEE!!!)

Tuesday, January 10

10:00 FX THE SHIELDSeason Premiere! A new chief is in (Forest Whitaker) and Vic is being drummed out!

Wednesday, January 11

8:00 UPN SOUTH BEACHDebut! Matt and Vince leave Brooklyn to score tail in Miami—and find adventure instead!Got any odd jobs for celebrities? steve@thestranger.com