9:00 am ESPN National Spelling Bee: Kids from around the world compete to spell words you've never even heard of.
9:00 pm USA Movie: Dazed and Confused (1993). A nostalgic trip back to the '70s, when kids used bongs to settle their differences.
8:00 Pay-Per-View Jerry Springer: Too Hot for TV: Fist-fights and naked strippers abound in this uncensored "best of Jerry Springer" clip show!
8:00 13 Guinness World Records: A convenience store clerk who can eat a $20 bill and vomit up exact change.
8:00 am MTV Real World Marathon: An entire weekend of humankind's most despicable post-teens, killing each other for our enjoyment.
9:00 pm USA Happy Hour: The Zappa Bros. (Dweezil and Ahmed) host this hour of celebrity karaoke go-go dancing. What? No demolition derby??
8:00 11 Movie: Maniac Cop (1988). In a town besieged by jay-walkers, a police officer must utilize deadly force to stop them.
9:00 7 The Tony Awards: Since every play on Broadway is recycled anyway, producers have chosen to re-award all the winners from 1978.
8:00 13 World's Sexiest Commercials: Another reason why European commercials are better: While they have sexy, naked people selling their beer, we get talking frogs.
8:30 5 Evening Magazine's Best of Western Washington: Viewers are given the opportunity to choose the very best our state has to offer, and once again select Pizza Hut.
8:00 22 Buffy the Vampire Slayer: When a pack of blood-thirsty vampires invade the town, Buffy does absolutely nothing about it, and subsequently offends no one.
10:00 4 NYPD Blue: Lt. Fancy reaches out to Sippy and Sorenson, asking them to please stop talking in that weird, backward syntax that sounds like Yoda.
8:00 16 V.I.P.: Val (Pamela Anderson Lee) and the girls go undercover as strippers in a nudist colony to stop a scientist from developing a formula that makes people's bras flamesy off.