Thursday, September 5

8:00 ABC THE EDGE--Movie

(1997) Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin battle each other and a "motherfucking bear" in this unintentionally hilarious he-man epic!


Friday, September 6

8:00 UPN STARSHIP TROOPERS--Movie

Doogie Howser and a cast of hotties stomp a planet of bugs in this Paul Verhoeven classic!


Saturday, September 7

8:00 NBC FALL PREVIEW SPECIAL

NBC trots out its new fall shows in an unsuccessful attempt to convince us they're not all fucking ridiculous.


Sunday, September 8

9:00 DSC GLADIATRIX

Hot ancient Roman chicks battle to the death! Break out the lotion and tissue, fellers!


Monday, September 9

8:00 NBC FEAR FACTOR CHAMPIONSHIPS

Thirteen former winners of Fear Factor return to compete for 100 grand, and shove their heads into a bucket of donkey guts.


Tuesday, September 10

9:00 TVLAND HAPPY DAYS

Marion suspects Howard of cheating on her with a younger woman--a woman by the name of Leather Tuscadero!


Wednesday, September 11

All Times ALL CHANNELS THE NEVER-ENDING PARADE OF SHOWS ABOUT SEPTEMBER 11.

Turn off the TV, and go enjoy your life. Bowling might be nice.

Send any answers to eternal questions to...

steve@thestranger.com.