Thursday, Dec 5

10:00 NBC ER Dr. Weaver gets her crutch in a knot when the staff refuses to play by her stupid rules.

8:00 A&E JOHNNY CASH: THE MAN IN BLACK Interviews with Tom Petty and daughter Rosanne Cash make up this biography of the toughest dude to ever pick up a gee-tar.


Friday, Dec 6

8:00 FX CONTACT--MOVIE Robert Zemeckis sci-fi classic featuring alternate realities, time warps, and Matthew McConaughey's cute little butt.

8:30 WB SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH Is it just me, or is this one "teenage witch" who's pushing 43?


Saturday, Dec 7

8:00 NBC IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE--MOVIE Welcome in the holidays with the sappiest, cliché-est, most wonderful Christmas movie in the whole world! If you don't like it you're probably the Devil!

8:30 FOX COPS I have a little advice for all the criminals out there: It's fine if you're shit-faced drunk, but for the love of God, it's DECEMBER! Put on a freaking shirt!


Sunday, Dec 8

8:00 ABC A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS The most pathetic kid in the history of comics gets a valuable lesson on the real meaning of Christmas.

9:00 ABC ALIAS

Sydney's friends begin to suspect she may be leading a double life when she accidentally wears an electric blue wig home from the office.


Monday, Dec 9

10:00 CBS CSI: MIAMI Cast member Kim Delaney is now in the unemployment line, and I hope this proves once and for all that robots cannot take the place of breathing actors.


Tuesday, Dec 10

8:00 UPN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER Buffy and the Scoobies are magically turned into sleepwalkers (which could explain why this season has been so crappy).

9:00 WB SMALLVILLE: DUPLICITY One of Clark's friends finds the spaceship in a cornfield!


Wednesday, Dec 11

9:00 FOX FASTLANE Crockett and Tubbs infiltrate a Miami drug cartel. (Oops! Sorry, that's Miami Vice.)

9:00 DISC JAMES CAMERON'S EXPEDITION: BISMARCK The biggest prick in Hollywood explores one of Germany's most famous sunken WWII vessels.

CHEERS: Nice e-mail. JEERS: Mean e-mail. steve@thestranger.com

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