Thursday, Dec 12

8:30 NBC SCRUBS Cox tries to ease Jordan's discomfort with a nice, warm enema.

9:00 NBC WILL & GRACE Will and Jack compete for the lofty title of "Gayest Gay since Gaylord McGayerson moved to Gay Town, U.S.GAY."


Friday, Dec 13

8:00 UPN STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME--Movie Kirk and the gang travel back in time to Earth circa 1988 to battle humpback whales and acid-washed jeans.

9:00 FOX JOHN DOE Doe gets a hint about his true identity when a collection agency informs him he's defaulted on his student loans.


Saturday, Dec 14

9:30 am UPN SHERLOCK HOLMES IN THE 22nd CENTURY In this cartoon depiction of the Arthur Conan Doyle character, Holmes travels far into the future to score more opium.

8:00 pm FX L.A. CONFIDENTIAL--Movie Kick-ass 1997 crime thriller starring Russell Crowe, before everyone thought he was the biggest prick in the Western Hemisphere.


Sunday, Dec 15

8:30 E! THE ANNA NICOLE SHOW Anna and her friends attack one another in a game of paintball!


Monday, Dec 16

8:00 NBC FEAR FACTOR Contestants are dared to stand on their heads in a bucket of donkey guts--and some of them even like it.


Tuesday, Dec 17

8:00 CBS JAG The team is sad because they can't celebrate Christmas at Bud and Harriet's place, so they go bust some more military criminals.

9:00 FOX 24 Jack takes a break from saving L.A. from nuclear annihilation to wash that skanky shirt he's wearing.


Wednesday, Dec 18

8:00 WB DAWSON'S CRACK After years of indecision, Dawson finally asks Pacey the question we've all been waiting to hear: "So... why'd your parents give you a chick's name?"

8:00 A&E THE MANSON WOMEN--Biography Hippie girls give unswerving loyalty to their crazed guru, Charles Manson.

I'm sorry, but M*A*S*H stinks. steve@thestranger.com