8:00 FAM JOE VS. THE VOLCANO--Movie
(1990) A romantic comedy starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan that won't make you throw up.
8:00 FOX ELECTION--Movie
(1999) Reese Witherspoon plays a high-school power broker who happily ruins the career of teacher Matthew Broderick.
8:00 FX STARSHIP TROOPERS--Movie
(1997) A beautiful vision of the future where a coed military not only gets to stomp bugs, but they also shower together!
8:00 VH1 THE SAMMY & DAVE SHOW
Sammy Hagar and David Lee Roth join forces on a summer tour, and bicker like a balding old married couple.
8:00 FX CADDYSHACK--Movie
(1980) A caddy in search of a college scholarship is impeded by a drunken millionaire, Ted Knight, and a gopher.
8:00 TVLAND SANFORD AND SON MARATHON
A two-day marathon featuring the best of Fred, Lamont, Rollo, Grady, Aunt Esther, Julio, and of course, Elizabeth.
9:00 ABC ALIAS
Marshall (the show's comic-relief nerd) is captured and slowly tortured by foreign spies. Who's laughing now, geek?
9:00 FOX JOE MILLIONAIRE
Debut! A poor construction worker tricks 20 babes into thinking he's rich. Let the public humiliation begin!
8:00 UPN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
In order to beat the Ãœbervamp, Buffy and the Scoobs enlist the new slayers in "Buffy Boot Camp"!
10:00 FX THE SHIELD
Season Premiere! The crookedest cop around, Vic Mackey, is back for another season of drug deals, banging hookers, and, in general, protecting the populace.
8:00 CBS STAR SEARCH
Debut! The cheesiest talent show of them all returns, hosted by Mr. Cheesy McCheeserson himself, Arsenio Hall!
9:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
Debut! The tables are turned when a contestant from The Bachelor gets to humiliate a group of horny men.
Send all fibs, white lies, and half-truths to steve@thestranger.com.