Thursday, January 23

8:00 CBS STAR SEARCH Can someone please tell Arsenio Hall to lose the Jheri curl? Thank you.

Friday, January 24

8:00 FOX FASTLANE When Van is taken hostage, he depends on a wet-behind-the-ears rookie to... wait. Can't they do another episode about hot lesbian bank robbers?

Saturday, January 25

8:00 DSC EXTREME FUNERALS Whoa! Dude! Some people have funerals that are like really... like... I don't know... EXTREME!

Sunday, January 26

3:00 ABC SUPER BOWL XXXVII Starring Carlos Santana, Michelle Branch, Beyoncé Knowles, the Dixie Chicks, Shania Twain, No Doubt... and I think a couple of teams are gonna play football, too.

Monday, January 27

8:00 ABC VERITAS: THE QUEST Debut! A father/son team races to uncover the mystery of an ancient civilization who zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Tuesday, January 28

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL As the nationwide auditions continue, Simon attempts to drive the suicide rate up three percentage points.

Wednesday, January 29

9:00 WB ANGEL In order to spur a transformation, the gang must provide Angel with a moment of perfect happiness. (Wow... vampires like blowjobs, too?)

Waitasecond... I'm #18?!?