8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: THE AMAZON When one of the tribes becomes trapped in a dangerous situation, it gives the cameramen a chance to hang out and eat sandwiches.
9:00 ABC ARE YOU HOT? Contestants are chosen from the Southwest, which judge Lorenzo Lamas says has the ugliest, fattest states in the Union.
8:00 FOX FASTLANE When guarding a beautiful witness who's under federal protection, Van and Deaq make the startling discovery that they're horny.
12:30 am HBO DA ALI G SHOW Don't miss this heee-larious new show where Brit fake hiphopper Ali G interviews unsuspecting schlubs!
8:00 FAM TEEN WOLF--Movie (1985) Michael J. Fox stars as a hormonally imbalanced werewolf who wins the big basketball game!
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE Tonight's host, Queen Latifah, welcomes musical guest DJ/diva Ms. Dynamite.
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS Bart convinces Krusty to run for Congress. (Finally! A voice of reason within our government!)
9:00 CBS RETURN TO THE BATCAVE--Movie (2003) Adam West and Burt Ward look for a missing Batmobile and reflect on how many blowjobs they've received.
9:00 VH1 THE DARK SIDE OF "GIRLS GONE WILD" Whaaaaaa??? That's like saying there's a dark side to chocolate chip cookies!
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL In the most torturous part of the series, the 12 finalists are forced to sing the crappiest songs ever written, and are then insulted for singing them so crappy.
10:00 FX THE SHIELD The department is in the soup (but good!) when the press gets wind of their dirty dealings.
9:00 WB ANGEL Hotsy-totsy vampire slayer Faith opens up a can of blood-suckin' whup-ass on the evil Angelus!
9:00 ABC ALL-AMERICAN GIRL Debut! A new reality contest where viewers vote for the perfect "all-American girl." So where's the contest where viewers vote on whether this is in any way necessary?
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