Send your letters to "my earth-sister, the e-mail.", MAY 276:30 VH1 Behind the Music: The on-again, off-again career of America's favorite drag queen, Cher!

9:00 13 FOX Files: Another hour of high-brow investigative reporting. Tonight: Who's got the best titty bars--us or the Russians?FRIDAY, MAY 289:55 TBS Movie: Valley Girl (1983). Like, girl meets boy, and um, it's like boy loses girl, and then, like everybody goes to the mall! Fer sure!

11:35 7 David Letterman: Guest-starring the booty-riffic Jennifer Lopez! (Rrrrowwrr! Pant! Pant! Ahh-OOOH-Gah!)Saturday, May 297:30 BRV Movie: Bottle Rocket (1996). Directed by that same guy who did Rushmore. You know, Wes Anderson!Sunday, May 30Noon A&E Sunday Afternoon Creep-Out!: Two bone-chilling flamesicks to creep your shit out! At noon it's The Exorcist, followed at 2:30 p.m. by The Shining!

10:00 BRV The Awful Truth: Host Michael Moore goes to the R.J. Reynolds company to try and get Joe Camel's job back.Monday, May 31Noon 22 Jerry Springer: Today's topic: Fetishism! Excuse me, but what are these people going to fight about? Each other's shoes?

9:00 A&E TV Movie: Dash and Lilly (1999). Kathy Bates directs this movie about the love affair between Dashiell Hammett and Lillian Hellman (Sam Shepard, Judy Davis).Tuesday, June 18:00 AMC Movie: Tarzan Triumphs (1943). The jungle's favorite loin-clothed honky battles dirty stinking Kraut Nazis!

8:30 5 NewsRadio: Now that Buffy is in reruns, don't miss this great show before they yank it off the air!Wednesday, June 28:00 9 Stealing Time: The New Science of Aging: How scientists are experimenting with methods which would enable people to live to be 170 years old. Hey! As long as they wait till the baby boomers die off, I don't care.

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