8:00 FOX MICHAEL JACKSON'S PRIVATE HOME MOVIES The only way you could fill me with more dread is if you substituted "Jeffrey Dahmer" for "Michael Jackson."

9:00 NBC WILL & GRACE Will gets hooked on painkillers, and Madonna is Karen's new roommate. Perhaps they should rename this show Unfunny & Unfunnier.

Friday, April 25

8:00 FOX FASTLANE Season finale! Van and Deaque must bust ass and collect 6,000 pounds of diamonds to rescue Billie from the pokey!

9:00 ABC PRIMETIME SPECIAL EDITION Diane Sawyer gets the last interview with Dixie Chick Natalie Maines (before she gets tarred and feathered for insultin' the president! Yeee-HAW!).

Saturday, April 26

8:00 FOX COPS It's a boobie-rific episode when the cops take on the drunken guys and gals of Mardi Gras 2003.

8:00 AMC ROSEMARY'S BABY (1968) Mia Farrow gets her maternity pants in a wad when her husband wants her to give birth to the antichrist.

Sunday, April 27

8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS The Talking Heads' David Byrne offers to produce Homer's new song describing how much he hates Ned Flanders.

9:00 ABC ALIAS Sydney and the gang race to stop the apocalypse, while evil clone Francie pokes around in Syd's underpants drawer.

Monday, April 28

9:00 ABC CHARLIE'S ANGELS (2000) A fun remake of the '70s jiggle show, starring Lucy Liu, Drew Barrymore, and a sociopathic Cameron Diaz.

Tuesday, April 29

9:00 WB SMALLVILLE Pretty boy Clark ain't so pretty after thugs beat the crap out of him (with the help of a truck full of kryptonite).

9:00 UPN PLATINUM Two brothers try to save their struggling record label in this entertaining hiphop version of Dynasty.

Wednesday, April 30

9:00 WB ANGEL After learning how Jasmine made it to Earth, Connor believes he was just a glorified sperm donor.

9:00 NBC WEST WING A minor press leak snowballs into a huge press leak that really isn't interesting to anybody but those self-involved pricks in the White House.

What are they doing giving a monkey a billion dollars, anyway? steve@thestranger.com