Thursday, June 26

8:00 CBS THE AMAZING RACE One of the teams breaks down and cries like a baby in this episode entitled "You Are Just Deliberately Trying to Make Us Lose!"

8:00 E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY Behind the scenes of the trashiest nighttime soap ever, Melrose Place.

Friday, June 27

8:00 ABC AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS Tonight, a tribute to the funniest thing ever: clips of people swinging a bat at a piñata and hitting someone else in the face.

10:00 SCI SCARE TACTICS In tonight's episode of this hilariously scary prank show, someone dresses up as a gorilla with a gun.

Saturday, June 28

9:00 SPIKE MOST EXTREME ELIMINATION CHALLENGE A dubbed-over Japanese game show featuring contestants who happily bust their skulls open for cash and prizes.

10:00 USA MONK The brilliant Tony Shalhoub returns for a second season as the obsessively compulsive wack-job, Detective Monk.

Sunday, June 29

10:00 MTV DOGGY FIZZLE TELEVIZZLE Mr. D-O-double G-izzle gets rizzle on the televizzle with this half-hour show filled with comedy sketch... izzles.

10:00 GSN CHUCK WOOLERY: NATURALLY STONED Ever wanted to see what Chuck Woolery's (Love Connection) life is like behind the scenes? Me neither. But here's a show about it anyway.

Monday, June 30

Midnight MTV THE NEW TOM GREEN SHOW Which is a lot like the OLD Tom Green Show, except it's disgusting for an extra 30 minutes.

Tuesday, July 1

10:30 COM THE OSBOURNES A brand-new season, which will hopefully include an all-out bitch-slappin' catfight between Kelly and Christina Aguilera.

11:00 FX ORLANDO JONES If all I had to do to get my own talk show was to make an ass out of myself in 7 Up commercials, I would've done it a long time ago.

Wednesday, July 2

8:00 NBC FAME You know I've been watching this show for weeks, and they haven't sung "Dogs in the Yard" ONCE!!

9:00 TRAV WORLD POKER TOUR The only sport in the world where nerds, housewives, and truck drivers can win a million bucks for sitting on their asses.

Strippers rule, wiener dogs drool.

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