Need more Humpy? Call the I Love Television™ TV Update™ Line at (206) 323-7101, ext. 3099. (After 6:00 pm only, please!)THURSDAY, JULY 157:00 7 Opening Day at Safeco Stadium: It's the Mariners vs. the Padres, and I will pay $5 to the first person who scrawls "Read I Love Television™ Every Week!" in the can.

8:00 5 Friends: Rachel freaks out when her new boyfriend gets ho-nee for his sister!FRIDAY, JULY 1610:00 COM Absolutely Fabulous: Edina's attempts to stop drinking are stymied when she remembers how much she loves liquor.

10:30 HBO Chris Rock: Bigger & Blacker: A brand new concert featuring America's funniest stand-up comedian.SATURDAY, JULY 176:00 A&E Live by Request: A live call-in performance by '70s funk masters Earth, Wind & Fire! Recommended!

7:00 COM The Man Show: How to turn your bathroom into a literal fortress.SUNDAY, JULY 184:30 11 TV Movie: Kung Fu (1972). The classic TV movie that introduced to the world "Grasshopper," the dumb kid who picks up boiling pots with his forearms.

8:00 USA G vs. E: Debut! A new series about heavenly private eyes who wage war against Satan's minions. Hopefully it's not as stupid as it sounds.MONDAY, JULY 194:30 MTV Britney Spears: Backstage Pass: Go backstage during a real Britney concert! I bet her mom's back there beating her with a wire hanger!

9:00 LIF TV Movie: Take My Advice: The Ann and Abby Story (1999). Wendy Malick (Just Shoot Me!) plays both Ann and Abby in this flamesick about the dueling advice columnists.TUESDAY, JULY 209:00 USA Movie: Road House (1989). Patrick Swayze as a sexy bouncer/philosopher in what is the greatest movie of all time.

10:00 MTV Real World: The roomies make a united decision: "Cameras be damned... let's have an orgy!"WEDNESDAY, JULY 218:00 13 Movie: To Die For (1995). Nicole Kidman plays a deadly weather girl in this fun Gus Van Sant flamesick!

9:00 5 World's Most Amazing Videos: An elephant sits on a man's head. Now, that's entertainment!

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