8:00 11 Teen Files: Truth about Sex: Honorary teenager Leeza Gibbons forces uncomfortable young adults to talk dirty.
11:35 7 David Letterman: David gets a much-needed lesson in romance from the "Godfather of Love," Barry White.
8:30 7 Candid Camera: The Candid Camera gang pisses off rich people by inscribing their vanity plates with "BORING" and "2STUPID."
11:00 USA Movie: The Fly (1986). Scientist Jeff Goldblum gets his genes mixed up with a flamesy, which causes him to get really horny and grow hair on his back. (And this is different from me... how?)
6:30 7 Seafair Special: Seattle celebrates 50 years of government-sponsored speed boats and horny sailors.
12:05 5 Saturday Night Live: Hosted by Dawson's Creek's James "My Head's Not Really a Smashed Yam" Van Der Beek.
6:00 FX The Ben Stiller Show Marathon: All 13 episodes of Ben Stiller's hilarious and short-lived series from 1992. Recommended!
8:00 5 You Asked for It: Debut! A new series where you ask somebody to do something stupid, and they do it. Tonight: A man sucks a snake into his septum. (Hey! They used my idea!)
8:00 BRV Movie: Heavenly Creatures (1994). Kate Winslet stars as a rich kid who teams up to bonk her pal's mommy on the noggin.
8:30 7 Thanks: Debut! A new sitcom about frozen pilgrims who wake up in the '90s, and let me guess... hilarity ensues?
8:00 13 Best of Woodstock '99: Clips of the modern-day hippie love-fest that was eventually usurped by drunken frat boys.
10:30 MTV Downtown: Debut! A "reality-based" animated show about hipsters in NYC's East Village. Well, excuse me, but if there isn't a talking dog, shark, or purple ape, I don't want anything to do with it!
9:00 11 Star Trek: Voyager: The crew experiences yet another transporter accident! When are they gonna get that goddam thing fixed?!?
