Thursday, Sept 9

8:00 MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDSFeaturing performances by Kid Rock, Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, and Ricky "Livin' La Give It a Goddam Rest" Martin.

9:00 DSC BURIED ALIVE -- DocumentaryWhoopsy! I hate it when that happens.

Friday, Sept 10

9:00 A&E BIOGRAPHYA profile of sexy Parent Trap and That Darned Cat! star Hayley Mills! (And no, I am NOT a pedophile.)

9:30 SHO THE HUNGER -- EroticaDebut! Showtime's new supposedly "erotic" anthology series hosted by David "Needs to Get His Teeth Fixed Before Claiming He's Sexy" Bowie.

Saturday, Sept 11

8:00 PPV 'N SYNC 'N CONCERTThree dreamy boyz (and one really ugly one) perform their hitz in thiz pay-per-view conzert!

9:30 KTBW G-ROCK -- ReligionHeavy metal Jesus-rock videos. And yes, it's even weirder than it sounds.

Sunday, Sept 12

8:00 7 MOVIE -- Goombah DramaDeNiro, Pesci, and Liotta star in Scorsese's goombah classic, Goodfellas (1990).

8:00 13 EMMY AWARDSCelebrating the best that television has to offer (i.e., those five shows that didn't get axed).

Monday, Sept 13

8:00 7 EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND-A-THONSix big episodes of the only CBS show that doesn't make me vomit.


-- TalkDebut! Just to prove the adage that they'll give any asshole his own talk show -- here's Martin Short.

Tuesday, Sept 14

8:00 USA TV MOVIE -- AdventureTreat Williams and Jeremy London run around screaming like little girls in this remake of Verne's Journey to the Center of the Earth (1999).

8:00 22 BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYERDreamy drama queen Angel finds something new to be traumatized about when Faith turns into a badass killer!

Wed., Sept 15

8:00 16 KNIGHT RIDER -- AdventureAn evil scientist poses as a Jiffy Lube employee to give KITT an oil change he'll never forget!

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