Bully for Me!

THIS MAY COME as a shock to some, but I'm kind of a bully. I enjoy walking brusquely down the hall, delivering a hard shoulder to workmates who step in my way, and sending them careening into the wall or water cooler. However, I only do this if they're nerds -- so in my book, that's okay. When I engage in sexual intercourse, I ask for unusual favors. If these wishes are not granted, I don't complain; in exchange I simply twist my lovers' arms behind their backs, and make them yell "Wm.™ Steven Humphrey is perfect in every way, and I eat garbage." I also employ this practice with kids who run lemonade stands -- without the sexual intercourse part. But I don't think this makes me a bad person; in fact, I'm of the opinion that bullies are just as necessary to the proliferation of our species as crunchy chicken strips.

It's very simple, really. Life is a study in contrast. And what fun would life be if there were only goody-two-shoes walking around, wearing those insipid stupid smiles that you just want to slap off their faces? That's why the bully is necessary; to offer contrast to the nerd, the simp, and the four-eyed Christian geek. The bully also provides balance to those living in too much comfort. In today's modern age of civility, people have it good -- perhaps too good. If a bully is not there to keep a comfortable person on his/her toes, then how are these dorks going to protect themselves from the greater danger of a Mussolini, a Hitler, or a Ricky Martin?

This is why I'm proud to be a bully. However, great bullies like myself are not born, they're made. I often turn to many artistic sources for intimidation inspiration -- literature (in particular, the works of Hemingway and de Sade), cinema (the films of Patrick Swayze), and of course, television. A show that has been particularly inspiring is UPN's new wrestling show, WWF Smackdown! (Thursday 8:00 p.m.), which, contrary to popular opinion, is actually different from its cable brethren, WWF Wrestling (USA, Monday 9:00 p.m.), WCW Wrestling (TNT, Monday 8:00 p.m.), and ECW Wrestling (TNN, Friday 8:00 p.m.). In comparison, Smackdown! is goose liver pâté to their dog food on a cracker, because it focuses not only on the wrestlers' physical attributes -- but their emotional frailties as well.

For example, in a recent episode (and I swear to Christ the following is TRUE), "Undertaker" and "The Big Show" took on "Mankind" and "The Rock" for the tag-team title. In this competition, not only is a belt won, but the victors are also encouraged to drag the losers off stage, throw them into an open grave, and bury them alive. Trouble ensued, however, when the current heavyweight belt holder, "Triple H" (widely known for having insecurity issues), entered the fray, and hit The Rock in the head with a sledgehammer. Triple H buried Mankind alive, but just as he was dragging The Rock into an awaiting ambulance, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin leapt from the back of the vehicle, flipped him two birds, and proceeded to beat the shit out of him. Adding insult to injury, Stone Cold threw Triple H in the ambulance, and drove him out of the stadium, where he then added injury to even more injury by parking the ambulance against a wall and repeatedly ramming it with an 18-wheeler.

As you can see, some feelings were initially hurt -- but instead of letting these negative emotions fester, Triple H and Stone Cold settled their differences in an expedient and definitive manner. This is the true path of the bully; to deliver the ordinary nerd out of his dreary, day-to-day existence, and expedite the passage of his closed-off emotions. Am I proud to be a bully? You're goddam right I am. Should you be a bully? Only if you're committed to using intimidation for the highest purpose of all: freeing the nerd that lives within your fellow man -- and then stealing his lunch money.

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