Send your Bill of Rights to steve@thestranger.comThursday, February 188:00 5 Friends: Joey's got a new girlfriend, and it's... GASP!! Soleil Moon Frye (the grown-up and sexy Punky Brewster)!!

9:00 13 World's Most Shocking Medical Videos: Included: a patient whose nose buzzes when doctors try to remove his wrenched ankle.

10:00 5 ER: It's George Clooney's final episode... and did I mention that Punky Brewster is on Friends???Friday, February 198:30 7 Candid Camera: Host Peter Funt thinks it's pretty funny to remove all the toilets from a bathroom--until a guy pukes on his shoe.

9:00 USA Movie: Basic Instinct (1992). A murder suspect (Sharon Stone) is humiliated when she realizes she's forgotten her underpants.Saturday, February 208:00 11 Movie: Pretty Woman (1990). A rich guy falls for a hooker? Hey! I want a rich guy, too!! Why do prostitutes have all the luck?

10:00 4 Love, American Style: A new, even less sexy (if that's possible) remake of the classic series.Sunday, February 219:00 13 X-Files: Now that I know exactly what's going on with this conspiracy, I still don't know what's going on. So I'm taking a nap.

10:00 4 The Practice: Helen prosecutes a cat killer and Bobby defends some restaurant cockroaches in this adorable animal-filled episode.Monday, February 229:00 4 TV Movie: And the Beat Goes On: The Sonny & Cher Story (1999). Yet another TV movie celebrating the bane of the 20th century--the stupid fawking hippie!

9:00 13 Ally McBeal: Tonight's big joke that's already been beaten to death: Ally's psychiatrist, Tracey Ullman.Tuesday, February 238:00 22 Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Alternate universe hijinx ensue after Willow's double from "the other side" pops over as a vampire!

9:00 12 Guinness World Records: Tonight a man goes for the world record in standing still while his genitalia are on fire.Wednesday, February 248:00 22 Dawson's Creek: Dawson makes an appointment to see a plastic surgeon after someone mistakes his head for a rotten yam.

10:00 NIK The Jeffersons: Weezy is disturbed about their "deee-luxe apartment in the sky" when she discovers beans burning on the grill.

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