8:00 5 FRIENDS
Ross gets a boner for (gulp!) Rachel's sister, who is (gulp! gulp!) REESE WITHERSPOON??
10:00 5 E.R.
Maura "Hubba-Hubba!" Tierny (NewsRadio) joins the cast as a new hubba-hubba med student.
9:00 7 MISS USA PAGEANT
Perky teens compete to see who can be Miss USA (a.k.a. the year's #1-rated show for pedophiles).
9:00 AMC ROPE -- Movie
(1947) Alfred Hitchcock gets the wise idea to shoot an entire movie with one shot from a single camera. Starring Jimmy Stewart!
8:00 11 THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE -- Movie
(1992) Sexy nanny (Rebecca DeMornay) goes cuckoo and tries to kill yuppie Seattle couple.
10:00 5 THE OTHERS
Debut! Ghostbusters meets Dawson's Creek in this touchy-feely supernatural show about hottie young psychics.
8:00 5 FACE/OFF -- Movie
(1997) Nick Cage and Barbarino star in this over-the-top John Woo flick about an FBI agent and a crook switching faces.
8:30 13 MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE
Hilarity ensues when the kids set out to sabotage the sex-ed slide show!
8:00 4 MARY AND RHODA -- TV Movie
(2000) In this Mary Tyler Moore reunion flick, Mary and Rhoda are still looking for a man -- preferably one with teeth.
9:00 13 ALLY MCBEAL
Georgia sues the firm for breaking up her marriage. Hmm, maybe I can sue the firm for BORING ME TO DEATH!!!
9:00 4 DHARMA & GREG
Sweeps week continues with two absolutely superfluous guest appearances by Lyle Lovett and k.d. lang!
9:00 5 WILL & GRACE
Sweeps week hits the bottom of the barrell when Will gives an absolutely superfluous kiss to Grace!
9:00 11 STAR TREK: VOYAGER
WWF beefcake wrestler The Rock guest-stars as (surprise) an intergalactic beefcake wrestler.
