Thursday, February 25

8:00 5 Friends: When Phoebe finds a lost police badge, she fulfills her lifelong dream of rolling over the top of a car hood and beating an innocent man with a club.

9:00 13 Shocking Behavior Caught on Tape: Surveillance cameras catch people like you peeing on their bosses' chairs.

Friday, February 26

9:00 5 15th Annual Soap Opera Digest Awards: Soap stars celebrate their achievements by giving each other trophies depicting a man porking his best friend's wife.

10:00 7 Nash Bridges: Nash goes undercover as a wrestler along with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin in this episode written by Hunter S. Thompson. I shit you not.

Saturday, February 27

11:00 11 Star Trek: Voyager: The poop hits the fan when Kim takes a goddam alien species for a ride on his wild baloney pony.

12:05 5 Saturday Night Live: Host Lucy Lawless (Xena) welcomes musical guest, and the Northwest's premier moper, Elliott Smith.

Sunday, February 28

8:00 5 Alice in Wonderland: A young girl falls down a hole, and freaks out after meeting a cat that looks like Whoopie Goldberg.

9:00 13 X-Files: Mulder's waterbed springs a leak, and he can't figure out why. (Jeez, they're really running out of ideas!)

Monday, March 1

8:00 11 Dilbert: Though I'd rather see a cartoon about Snuffy Smith, this is a pretty good show!

9:00 13 Ally McBeal: After Ally screws around with Billy, she makes an even bigger mistake by telling her boyfriend about it!

Tuesday, March 2

10:00 NYPD Blue: A surprise guest drops by the station house: Lil' Ricky Schroder's sister (played by, I hope, Missy Gold from Benson).

Wednesday, March 3

8:00 22 Dawson's Creek: Dawson's 16th birthday party ends in sorrow when he is kidnapped by an Albanian circus, and forced to perform as "Meshaf, the Boy with the Funny-Shaped Head."

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