9:00 13 Fox Files: Featuring yet another indepth and sensitive FOX-style report entitled, "Old, Worn-out Porn Stars: Where Are They Now?"


Friday, March 26

8:00 13 Guinness World Records: Jake expresses his love for Amanda by setting the world record for squirting milk out of his eye.

9:30 22 Soul Train Music Awards: Spotlighting hip-hop greats such as Lauryn Hill, Busta Rhymes, Dru Hill and... hey! Where the hell is DJ Jazzy Jeff?!?


Saturday, March 27

Noon 11 Spring Break Movie Marathon!: Channel 11 gets drunk and horny with three spring break movies: C. Thomas Howell in Side Out, followed at 2 pm by a psycho biker stalking students in Welcome to Spring Break, and Shelly "Ugh!" Long in The Women of Spring Break at 4 pm!


Sunday, March 28

6:00 VH1 Behind the Music: Featuring the Eminem of the '80s, Vanilla "Ice, Ice Baby!" Ice.

8:30 13 Futurama: Debut! Check out Matt Groening's much-anticipated new prime-time animated series, and decide for yourself: is he a hero, or a washed-up alternative-culture goat?


Monday, March 29

9:00 4 The Century: Debut! Peter Jennings hosts this six-part documentary series on the last 100 years. Tonight: Jeremiah Panté invents the "panty."


Tuesday, March 30

9 :00 7 Movie: Species (1995). Genetic experiments go awry when scientists accidentally create a mutating beast--that looks great in a mini-skirt! Va-va-va-voom!

12:35 am 7 The Late Late Show: Debut! Conan O'Brien gets some competition from fellow smart-ass Craig Kilborn (The Daily Show).


Wednesday, March 31

9:00 4 Drew Carey: In this April Fool's Day episode, the writers put in 50 intentional mistakes. (What? Like maybe a funny joke?)

10:00 HIS Military Blunders: Hilarious bloopers committed by the military. Tonight: The (whoopsy) bombing of London.