8:00 FOX GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS

A man ties cinder blocks to his nipples and claims the record for "World's Most Stretchiest Teats."

8:00 OXY HYPE!--Movie

(1996) Director Doug Pray's chronicle of the grunge years. "Hey, look! That's me! In the flannel!"

8:00 FOX THE X-FILES--Movie

(1998) In this film version of the TV show, Mulder and Scully get to say "shit," and would've kissed if she hadn't been stung by a bee.

8:30 WB MAYBE IT'S ME

Debut! Fifteen-year-old gal goes nutso, thanks to freakazoid family. Starring Fred "Best in Show" Willard, and Julia "SNL" Sweeney.

8:00 UPN FOOTLOSS--Movie

(1984) Kevin Bacon stars as a boy whose foot is snapped off in a bear trap--but still teaches the town how to dance!

9:00 TBS THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN--Movie

(1960) Seven gunslingers protect a small village from banditos--and then teach the town how to dance!

8:00 CBS EMMY AWARDS

NO, Buffy didn't get nominated, so NO, I won't be watching this piece of crap!

8:00 FOX INDEPENDENCE DAY--Movie

(1996) When goddam stinkin' aliens blow up his White House, George W. opens up a can of Made-In-America Whup-Ass!

9:30 CBS THE ELLEN SHOW

Debut! Failed TV lesbian gets another shot at having a successful show. (Waitasecond... that's not the plot. That shit is real!)

10:00 NBC CROSSING JORDAN

Debut! Jill Hennessey stars in this remake of Quincy, M.E.... except she's HOT!

8:00 NBC EMERIL

Debut! Dumbshit chef gets his own sitcom.

8:30 FOX UNDECLARED

Debut! Freaks and Geeks goes to college! Recomended!

10:00 CBS WOLF LAKE

Debut! Lou Diamond Phillips stars in this show about ass-eating werewolves in the Pacific Northwest!